You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them. – Desmond Tutu
CANADIAN-AMERICAN ACTOR, author and producer Michael J. Fox, to my mind, lifted the concept of family to a superb level when he said: “Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.”
Like the taproot that firmly anchors huge trees in the ground, I believe the natural family, in its healthiest form, guarantees stability, solidity and sustainability first for the individual unit and, by extension, the broader society.
Educator David A. Bednar confirmed my belief when he said: “A home with a loving and loyal husband and wife is the supreme setting in which children can be reared in love and righteousness, and in which the spiritual and physical needs of children can be met.”
In order to prevent a partner, parent or child from allowing family relationships to define any of them, it is prudent that each understands that seeking to make him/herself look or feel very significant at the expense of any family member has the potential to destroy family unity.
Partners defined by each other
I met a man many years ago who was doing very little to improve himself, whereas his wife kept on advancing herself socially, academically and otherwise. In several conversations with him, he would be constantly making reference to his wife’s successes but hardly talked about his own growth or development. This man’s life was obviously defined by the accomplishments of his progressively focused wife and he was content to ride happily on her coat-tail.
I also remember having a casual conversation with a wife who did almost the same thing as the previously mentioned man, only that she went a step further and said that her whole world would collapse if anything went wrong with her husband. It would appear, from her expressions, that her whole world was centred on her spouse. The two examples are just a sample of husbands and wives whose lives are defined by their spouses and not who they are as individuals.
It is important that partners keep in mind that each of them is an individual with separate identities and such identities should never be lost in the other person. They should always see each other as a unique gift to be loved, cherished, complimented, but never to be possessed obsessively.
Parents defined by their children
“The one thing about being a parent is the ability to be selfless: to give up the things you want and need for the benefit of someone else.” That thought-provoking statement by Danny McBride is the very key that can securely lock the tough door of a parent’s heart from desiring to be defined by his/her child’s life’s achievements.
I have had conversations with parents who had very little to do with their children’s early development, but as soon as the children experienced some significant success, those same parents do everything possible to boastfully display their children like trophies before friends and foes to make themselves look good. Children have told me that they were not very impressed with such hypocrisy and as a consequence became increasingly angry toward their parents.
In order for some parents to exhibit a sense of pride and achievement, they pressure their children to venture into the same professions as they, although the children genuinely do not have the aptitude for such careers. I have seen some of these children who reluctantly sought to please their parents, but became very rebellious or later in life changed career paths to the disappointment of their parents, whose dreams were not fulfilled through them.
Parents, bear in mind that children are not pieces of silver to be traded for your own personal pleasure, but are treasures to be prized and unselfishly allowed to acquire the dividends for which they were placed in this world. Children were never meant to define their parents.
Children defined by their parents
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them,” says social critic James Baldwin. There are children who praise their parents for being an excellent role model worthy of emulation.
On the other hand,t here are children whose parents did not set as good an example for them as they should. Unfortunately, with pleasure, some of these children mimic their parents’ negative lifestyle.
Some children desire to get a great deal of personal satisfaction from telling their friends who their parents are, what they do professionally, where they live and even what expensive vehicle they drive. Also there are children who are aware that their parents may be involved in crime and violence, alcohol abuse, drug peddling or may be even incarcerated, and believe that following in their parents’ activity is like a badge of honour.
I recall that some primary school students were asked what they would like to be whenthey grew up. Theshocking response from a few was that they wanted to be like a particular parent whose criminal record was not short.
From very early in their development, children must be habitually empowered by parents to believe that they were not placed here on earth to be carbon copies of their parents or anyone else for that matter. They must be told that as individuals, they must find their niche in this world and confidently, consistently and assertively develop a passion to be the very best citizen they can be in fulfilling that role.
Freeing yourself from living in the shadow of your family members calls for much courage. Once that decision is confidently made, the chances of you becoming a success story in the world are very great. Never be defined by family relationships. With God’s help, be yourself.
• Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email: [email protected]
