Never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is brave even if you stumble a little on your way out the door. – Anonymous
AS A YOUNGSTER I tried running at school sports and was never able to impress the crowds nor the judges. I then tried the high jump and gained some success along the journey, but not enough to win any trophies at competitive levels.
At least I tried. Did I jump over any fences in life? I believe I did. Maybe running from a vicious dog. Today, however, I am not talking about jumping over a physical fence like a garden or house fence but about what I am calling a family fence, one that has to do with moving away from one’s home culture in an effort to develop one’s capabilities.
Fences are “barriers that are usually established to signal exclusive right to one’s possessions”. When it comes to family fences, parents are generally the ones that set them up so that all the children may behave in a particular pattern from an early age.
Parents
There are some family fences that are wisely put together and the children grow up to appreciate the essential discipline and worthwhile development they bring to their immediate and future lives. Such was the experience of a young woman I met many years ago who said that her parents had created some firm but lovingly flexible “fences” which helped her to develop a great sense of purpose from very early in life.
Although initially she did not understand why the boundaries had to be erected, this sharply focused woman now continues to impact the lives of young people the world over, looks back today with great appreciation for her parents who were strong and secure enough to firmly maintain a stable family fence.
On the other hand there are some parents who erect fences that are so jam-packed with thorns of abuse that they leave little or no room for their children to stimulate their God-given abilities.
Mark (not his real name), who is now a manager, said he had to get away from his abusive parents’ home enclosure and find refuge at another location in order to be where he is today professionally. For him, the following words gave him a great degree of comfort.
“When someone isn’t treating you right, no matter how much you love them, you’ve got to love yourself more and walk away.” It was tough for him, but he had to do it.
Social culture
Many family fences are formed and shaped as a result of the immediate social culture in which such families are located. For example, a family may grow up in a community where over time, the neighbourhood may develop certain practices or cultural norms that are considered good and proper for all who are living there. All the families in that community therefore may be challenged to conform to those norms.
A family that may not conform to that unique culture may find itself being isolated by the others and may be subjected to labels that are less than favourable.
For some children the assault and indignity on their compliant parents and siblings may become too much and upon reaching early adult age, decide to jump over the family fence.
Religion
Unfortunately, across the religious world there are many followers, intelligent as they maybe, who close their minds and blindly accept whatever proceeds from the mouth of their religious leaders although what is expressed does not always come close to common sense.
Parents the world over often subject their children to such “fences” from early and may isolate and sometimes disown their own biological children who may not conform to such religious customs. Furthermore, if children decide they no longer want to be a part of their parents’ religious or quasi-religious ways of life they may be both disconnected and disinherited. Some children however do not wait for parents to make that move. They may disconnect themselves from the entity and seek to connect with another religious group that seems to better meet their felt needs.
Family ties are still the most powerful forces in the world. When they are working in harmony they are wonderful. When out of sync, they can be destructive to the individual members who may be forced to make a deliberate decision to jump over the family fence in order to develop a healthy sense of destiny and purpose. It may be tough, but sometimes vitally necessary. Why not take a close look at your family fence today.
• Rev. Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email:griffitharticles@gmail.com