IT’S NOT EASY to speak about what I’m going through right now, but I’m doing it because I want to share my experience with other plus-size women in the hope that they would realise they’re not alone in facing challenges getting a quality relationship.
I am a very heavyset woman. I am five feet four inches tall, and weigh 180 pounds. From as far as I can remember, I was big. From as far as I can remember, too, I was called nicknames and teased about my size.
When I was a little girl people used to call me “roly-poly”, “chubby”, “barrel”, and the one I hated most, “piggy”. When I became a young woman the name-calling intensified. I used to be teased by other girls and disdainfully called names like “sloppy”, “tubby”, and “baby elephant”. I was called a few other names as well, but you can’t print those.
When I became a woman the name-calling was as negative and as hurtful as ever, but along with this came the unwanted attention of men who would see you on the streets and make some nasty remark about the size of my behind.
For those who have never been embarrassed in this way, you have no idea how painful and agonising such an experience can be. The one I remember most is getting into a bus and having to stand most of the way to my stop, which was four stops before the bus turns around. Given my short height, I usually stand sideways and hold on to the top of the back of two seats. Since my butt juts out as much as it is wide, I normally step back in the bus to avoid people having to try to get around me because, given my size, I often block the narrow aisle.
Anyway, that day two men sitting in the back seat saw me standing and began commenting on my backside and started talking about how they like women with big butts, among other things. They told the driver not to stop too rough because if I fall a crane would be needed to lift me, and they made fun of what it must be like to have sex with a woman my size. They were offensive and awful.
But what hurt me most was that the men and women in that bus just stared at me, as if offering support with their eyes. But not one of them would tell those men to shut up and stop insulting me; not one.
Because of that type of pressure, men often can’t handle walking the road with me and holding hands, or showing affection openly. Sometimes they walk a few steps in front of me like if we are not together. I have had so many dates end badly just because the man I’m with disowns me by his action when men around start with their degrading comments.
Then there are the men who try to prey on plus-sized women, several of whom have low self-esteem. They boost us up, all the while enriching themselves with our money. Though I am a level-headed person, I too fell for a smooth-talking, good-looking man. He made me feel wanted and when I was with him no one could say nothing nasty about me as he would respond.
With him in my life I felt love and security, and actually began having serious hopes of marriage and even raising a family.
During our 14 months together, he used to ask me for money to help him to do things like buying a tool to work with, pay a bill, or something else as he was helping his large family, he claimed, and was always short. Though he never carried me to meet them, I had no problem giving as he treated me with respect and always said nice things to me.
By the sixth month we were together, I started to put $100 in his hand every week out of the $360 I made so he could better help his mother and siblings. I was that much into him.
I even once gave him $1 000 as my contribution to buy a new stove and refrigerator to replace his mum’s old ones.
In all of that time I never spoke with her or anything, though I used to ask him for her every day.
In fact, in all the time he and I were together I never went to his house as he said it was crowded, so he used to visit me all the time.
Then one day while in the bus stand waiting for him to come from work – so we could travel to my house together, as usual, before he went home – another plus-size woman approached me. She told me, though she suspected I would not believe her, that my man was a user. She said he conned money out of her for his mother, when in fact it was for the house he was building.
She told me I did not have to believe her, but gave me his real address so I could check it out myself.
Normally I would not have even listened to that woman, but something in her eyes and voice told me she was telling the truth. So that Saturday when he was supposed to be home helping his mother, I pulled up in a taxi in front of a lovely bungalow. I knocked on the door and a young, slim woman came and asked what I wanted. On hearing that I wanted him, she wanted to know who I was and declared she was his wife.
By the time she was finishing her statement he appeared. He said nothing and did not even look me in the eye. That was all the proof I needed. As much as I wanted to blast him I decided not to degrade myself, and just left.
So, ladies, I know it may be tough to get a man because of your size, but if ever you get a man interested in you, find out everything you can about him first to ensure you don’t get used.
