EACH TIME I hear the painful stories about women who wasted their most productive years due to their involvement with married men, I think about my situation.
I, too, am involved with a married man. He is 17 years older than me, and has told me he will not break-up his family for me. Still, I love him and have no intention of giving him up.
I am not the typical kept woman. That is, I am not hand-to-mouth and need his support to survive. I have a good job, live in my own house and pay my mortgage and utilities. He does not have to give me anything financially, neither do I ask him for any support. I am with him because he is truly my soul-mate.
I love him so much that months after webecame involved and I accidentally got pregnant, I terminated it at his request.
That hurt me deeply as I always believed that no woman should have an abortion unless conception came through being raped, or the child faces potential illness.
That was nine years ago when I was in my mid-20s. Now into my 30s, I don’t see any future for me apart from always being a deputy.
I know I can never be number one in his life. I can never have him all to myself, go out in public on his arm, and have people refer to me as his wife. I can never expect to get that respect as long as he remains married and living with his wife. And that scares me because I would not like to grow old and have no partner I can be with 24/7.
I think about this most whenever I visit my parents. Inevitably they ask me when I am going to give them a grandchild, since I am their only child.
They see me as a pretty, intelligent woman, waiting hand and foot on a middle-aged married man, and are totally disgusted with me. It has caused major arguments between us, and a real rift between my father and I. That is particularly difficult for me as we were always close. But daddy has real difficulties comprehending why I am ‘wasting my life’, as he puts it, waiting for aman who clearly does not have me as a priority in his life.
I think too, that they blame themselves for somehow doing something wrong that I turned out this way.
My relationship with the few friends I do have is also somewhat fractured. They often feel uneasy speaking about relationships as they all think I am being foolish and stubborn.
They get really peeved when I agree to go out with them, but then he calls me after and says he is going to pass by, and I cancel my plans to accommodate him. I can’t blame them for feeling this way, but the truth is I love my friend dearly and cannot imagine living without him.
I’m not stupid or stubborn either. I know what I have in him. I know his limitations, respect his responsibilities and understand our relationship – I can trust him. He always keeps his word, and though Christmas holidays are particularly difficult for him to get away, he somehow makes it possible to spend if no more than an hour with me.
I left him once; just after the termination. I later became involved with a guy my age, but all I got was grief. At first he seemed truthful and we had a good thing going. But aftera bout three months, he started flirting with one of my friends.
I forgave him that indiscretion because I realised he did that to show me how he felt about me still talking with my married friend, though we were not being intimate. My then boyfriend had begged me to stop all communication with him, but as I consistently refused, that was when he flirted with my girlfriend.
To avoid this happening again, I blanked my married friend and devoted myself to this guy.
It hurt not having my friend to talk to and laugh with, but I did it for the sake of my new relationship. I really wanted it to work because I wanted someone for myself – someone I could start a family with, build a home with, and grow old with. I really wanted this.
But what happened? About six months down the road I started seeing some disturbing signs. He always had a roving eye, and increasingly it began to roam. After that it was the calls and his whispering on the phone. We had quarrels and periods of not saying anything to each other because of this.
Eventually, he explained his behaviour by saying that our relationship was not exciting enough and he wanted us to do more. For the next few months I tried really hard to satisfy him by going out partying with him. He seemed happy about this, but the more parties and limes I attended, I realised that life was not for me. That was not who I was.
After just over a year together, I called it quits. Afterwards I felt silly and lonely – really lonely. I felt as though I had wasted 14 months of my life chasing an elusive dream.
Months later I saw my married friend again and we resumed our relationship. He understood why I had left him and was sympathetic. He listened to me and told me he would seek to spend more time with me – and, as usual, has kept his word.
He used to treat me good, now he treats me even better. He spends at least three hours on four days a week with me, whether that is at the gym or at my house. We started travelling together and have actually spent our last five annual holidays overseas like a ‘married’ couple. More than anything else, we talk about everything, even the decisions he has to make in his household. In many ways he spends more time with me than his wife.
That’s why I can’t leave him; something that feels so right just can’t be wrong.
