THERE IS NOTHING more humiliating than to have your body violated by someone you do not know and would normally not even look at.
I know because I am a rape victim.
I know what it is like to feel powerless as someone bigger, stronger, and armed with a weapon pins you to the ground. It is a pain like no other – one that I have not forgotten though my incident was nearly 25 years ago.
Admittedly, the counselling I had did help, in that it put the whole incident into perspective. That is, I know it was not my fault that caused that man to attack me, and I did nothing to attract his attention. He just saw me, realised he would be able to take advantage of my naive worldly innocence by luring me into a secluded place.
I know now too, that I could not have done anything then to stop him from having his way with me. I was not strong enough to fight him off. Even if I could, he had a knife and though he didn’t stick or intentionally slash me with it, the sharpness of the blade cut into my skin where he had it pressed against the back of my neck as he violated me.
Because of this knowledge I have been able to move on with my life but sometimes I still get nightmares and relive that dreaded moment. That happens whenever I hear about someone else being attacked, as occurred this week.
I’m speaking about that woman who has been brave enough to talk about the ordeal she went through when a man attempted to rape her recently. The parts of her story I remember most because I can identify with it, was when she said that before the incident she used to say what she would do if she was ever attacked. Yet, in that moment, she could do nothing as she froze from fright. Though I never thought of ever having to defend myself from a man raping me, it struck me that even though you may plan such things in your mind, it’s a different thing when you’re actually in such a situation.
The other thing she said which I know to be all too true is that even though the man had not succeeded in raping her, he had invaded her mind and every time she closed her eyes she saw him and could even recall his smell. That just shows you the effect such a confrontation can have on your entire being – and she wasn’t actually violated like me.
Those of you reading this need to ask yourself what you would do if you ever had to deal with someone totally repulsive grabbing you, forcing themselves on you, and though you try to fight them off you can’t get away because they are stronger and have a weapon. It is a disgusting and frightening thought, isn’t it? Well, welcome to my world.
What makes my situation more complicated than that woman’s is that I am a man, and such attacks were not thought to happen to men – only to girls and women. So at that time no one seemed to know how to handle what happened to me.
My worthless father wanted to know why such a thing would happen to his teenage son. His thinking was that the only people who do such things were those who were caught up in that lifestyle. So he reasoned that maybe I was somehow involved in such activity to be targeted. So his attitude from the outset was that he didn’t want anyone to know what happened lest they think I was homosexual and stain our family’s name. He cared more about his reputation than me.
The private doctor I was taken to realised I was traumatised. But from his questioning it seemed he felt I was homosexual and the attack was from a man I had not cared for. It never seemed to occur to him, based on how he spoke with me, that just as some men trouble women, there are others who target boys.
Mummy, thank God, saw the whole thing differently. She was my rock because I feel as a woman she understood what it meant to be powerless and have someone take advantage of you. She wasn’t working so my father was the sole provider and as he always had a woman on the side this caused quarrels and a few scuffles in their relationship. So she realised that what happened to me was not my fault and I had done nothing to deserve such brutality.
I would advise that woman to get counselling as that will help her to cope. She should also regard herself as fortunate because at least someone was charged in connection with her report. In my case the man was never caught. I didn’t get a good look at his face because the attack was sudden and terrifying, and his face never registered.
As for a sex register, yes. There should be a list which the public should have access to that reveals the names and faces of the men who attacked women and boys and were convicted of that crime. Then there should be a second list which the police only should have access to with the identities of those who were accused of such a crime but the case was abandoned for whatever reason. That way they would be able to build profiles on people who may actually be predators but were able to get away with their crimes either for lack of substantive evidence or because the victim feared for their life and did not pursue the matter.