Thursday, April 25, 2024

I CONFESS: Men need to forgive women

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A WOMAN’S MISTAKES are no worse than a man’s.

Yet, many men tend to harbour ill feelings against a woman for whatever she may have done or gone through even before they met her. And sometimes their inability to get past that issue becomes so strong that it may cause their relationship to end.

Because of this, I have grown to appreciate that sometimes secrets are necessary if you want a trouble-free relationship. For though some men say they want the truth, the fact is that they cannot handle certain information well, even though it was something that happened in the past.

Having said that, I do not believe you should do things behind your partner’s back. However, if you know he or she will get upset about a particular thing you would have done or may want to do, why tell them and cause a noise?

What brought me to this realisation was when I was going out with the one guy I wanted to marry. He was thoughtful, good-looking and knew how to make me happy.

Things were going great between us and he had suggested on more than one occasion that he wanted us to get married. That was until he found out I had terminated a pregnancy with my first boyfriend about six years before I met him.

He found out when he went at my ex-boyfriend’s house to buy a part for his motorcycle and saw a picture of me hanging on a wall. Without saying I was now his girlfriend, he remarked that I looked like a real cutie and asked my ex-boyfriend if I was his woman.

My ex said he wished and then began talking out our business. He told my boyfriend that he and I were involved just before I finished secondary school, but I left him after I got pregnant.

I had insisted on getting an abortion but he refused to pay for it, so my parents got it done. So I blanked him.

How someone could reveal such an intimate detail about another person to a total stranger is beyond me. But my ex did.

When my boyfriend left there he came straight by me and complained that I should have told him about that aspect of my life. I told him it was the past and no longer mattered.

I was young and silly and did not fully understand the implications of my actions until reality struck with the pregnancy.

I begged him to forgive me for not saying anything, but I had pushed that to the back of my mind and did not ever want to think about it.

Though he calmed down, for weeks afterwards he found some way to resurrect the subject. So I asked him how he would feel if I annoyed him about someone who was in his life before. Didn’t I deserve a second chance?

He said a woman is held to higher standards than a man. A man can run around with as many women as he likes but not really care for them or look back if he gets someone pregnant.

 However, when a woman becomes pregnant for him – as I did with my ex – there would always be a connection between them. That’s why he had great difficulty dealing with it.

As much as it hurt me, I left him shortly after that. He was not the mature man I thought he was.

I regret that mistake I made as a teenager when I got pregnant, but I was not prepared to be continually reminded about it when it was an accident. And if he could not get past that, then he did not believe or trust me. What was so difficult about that to understand?

In conversation with two girlfriends afterwards, I realised I was not the only one who went through such an experience with their partner.

One girlfriend revealed that she became involved with her boss when she went to work at a certain company. She did it because she was attracted to him. The relationship lasted for about four years before it cooled off, but they remained friends. Eventually they both became involved with different partners and married.

However, about nine years and two children afterwards her husband found out that she had been involved with her boss. Someone who had worked at the company back then told him about it.

My girlfriend’s husband accused her of not being totally honest with him as she had withheld information from him on purpose to dupe her into marrying him.

She, on the other hand, told him since the relationship had ended even before they became a couple she did not think it necessary to disclose that.

Even though they went to counselling to resolve the misunderstanding, he could not get over the fact that the man his wife worked with on a daily basis used to be intimate with her for about four years. Eventually they separated.

As for my other friend, she became tipsy at a Christmas party and was taken advantage of by a guy who had offered to take her home. It was a shameful and traumatic experience for her, but she never reported it to the police because she always regarded it as her fault.

For years afterwards she shied away from relationships as she was no longer comfortable around men. Anyway, she met a devout Christian at her church and they became friends.

Thinking she had met her soulmate, she felt duty-bound to tell him about that unfortunate incident when he finally proposed to her.

Immediately his countenance changed. He said he would have to pray about their relationship to ensure they were evenly yoked. However, what followed was coldness and detachment, until she took the initiative and ended it.

I’m sure there are many more examples of similar behaviour by men towards women. It’s as if a woman’s sin is always greater than a man’s, and that can’t be right.

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