I WAS TALKING to a group of teenage males. I felt like a hypocrite doing it, but I was advising them to hold off on the sexual activity. I reasoned that it was easier to not have sex that it was to have sex because to have sex you had to put in effort. They laughed. “Sir, yuh doan gotta put in nuh effort wid dese girls nowadays.”
I am admittedly out of touch with the sexual rules of this civilisation.
When most of us think of civilisation we associate it with advanced technology and large societies. For me, civilisation is where clear rules of engagement ensure that we are civil to one another. These times today can be some uncivilised times.
There is a story that says Ghandi was asked by a reporter what he thought of Western civilisation. Ghandi replied that he thought it would be a good idea.
There have been some high-profile cases of brutal rapes in India, which might have made Ghandi curry his words and eat them. However, I am not sure that Ghandi was totally wrong about Western civilisation. Despite advanced technology, in many cases the rules of civil behaviour are not so clear.
A recent viral video divided public opinion and stirred up mixed views. A man comes up to wine behind a scantily clad woman at carnival. The woman gives him a firm elbow and moves away.
Some comments celebrated the woman’s right to roll her bumper unencumbered. Others criticised her for being uncivil and disrespecting the spirit of carnival. Caribbean civilisation may need to clarify some rules.
Another recently circulating Internet post is an example of the tangled web we’ve woven. What do you make of this story?
A woman is claiming that an R&B singer sexually assaulted her after she took a selfie with him. The young woman made the claim on Instagram. She wrote:
“I used to be a fan of your music. I was a fan of your music until you blatantly disrespected my body in a public place. There was nothing I did or said that warranted this disgusting display of entitlement, rape culture, and male privilege. I approached you respectfully and you still decided my body was not sacred enough to be treated as a human being. After we took this photo, you took it upon yourself to grab my breast and remove it from my shirt without consent. You then proceeded to look at my naked breast with such a disgusting look on your face. It’s still embedded in my memory. The sneer of your lip and salivating mouth is making my stomach turn. I really don’t understand why you would do that to someone who approached you as a fan. I’m beyond disgusted right now. Are you used to treating random female strangers this way? Have you gotten away with this in the past? Well, it stops here and now. I will not sit in shameful silence and allow sexual assault to be normalised. “
For some readers, if the story is true, it is straightforward enough. It was uncivilised. How dare he?
Other readers are already making mental calculations in their heads to work out how reliable this account sounds. They are adding factors to the equation like, “Did she report this to the police?”
“What is her hidden agenda?” “[His] hands must be really fast and she must be really slow.” Weary of fake news and alternate facts, they are not so quick to cast judgement.
But things may get blurrier after watching the video clip of the alleged victim describing the interaction.
The woman reveals how she introduced herself to the singer as a fan and told him a little about herself as a university student and her interest in sexual health. She then revealed how much she loved his song Adorn and that she often gave herself orgasms to his music.
Wait! What? The woman wrote that she approached the celebrity respectfully. Is revealing intimate details about your sexual habits to strangers considered respectful? Even if it is not respectful, it is not an invitation though. Is it? In the singer’s world it might be.
Who knows what the life of an R&B superstar is like? The women he is accustomed to may very well offer themselves as sexual partners with such hints. Or maybe he, swimming in male celebrity privilege, is accustomed to diving in without a clear invitation because the women do not feel they have the right to speak out.
Maybe the woman is just looking for her 15 minutes of fame. Or maybe in her world she is accustomed to men who are far more cautious about borders and the need for overt consent.
In my world, Caribbean reggae legend John Holt has a hit song that advises men, when dealing with women, to “try a ting. Chances are you might win”. Soca songs order girls to “bend over and doan look back” and a man’s right to sample a bumper at carnival is a given. The rules of engagement may be different at a liberal US university. Different doesn’t necessarily mean better, of course.
Would you blame the singer for bad judgement in trying a ting? Or would you blame the woman for bad judgement in not realising that a ting would be tried?
It’s not that clear-cut for me. On one hand, I think that if this accusation is true, the singer is clearly in the wrong. On the other hand, I can appreciate that because of where many lady fans’ heads are at, his judgement could have just as easily been correct.
If this accusation is true, I don’t want to engage in blaming the victim. Despite that, without my consent my mind automatically went to, “But lady, what did you expect?” It takes willpower for me to say, “No, it still wasn’t right.” I still don’t know if the story is true, but it was good to consider.
Adrian Green is a creative communications specialist. Email: [email protected]
