by
Jomo Phillips MSSW-MFT (Clinical Fellow AAMFT) Couple & Family Therapist/Clinical Social Worker
During this Valentine’s period, when love is in the air, there is often a discussion about romantic love’s true nature, mainly if it is without expectations. When I started my training as a helping professional, I remember the challenge my classmates and I experienced trying to wrap our heads around the concept of unconditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regard is a helping value that focuses on believing in and supporting an individual irrespective of their actions.
Over time, I have learned that practising this value squarely places me in the relationship with my client and challenges me to see people without the lens of bias, prejudice, and what I believe people should do to solve their problems. The return is creating a space where I am responsible for my actions, as a clinician, and clients are allowed to be genuinely themselves, thereby strengthening our therapeutic relationship.
In romantic relationships, the parallel to unconditional positive regard is loving without expectations or being selfless. At its most basic, it is about loving without an expectation of having it returned. When we love without expectations, we become more accountable for our actions and thoughts while allowing us to accept our partner as they are. The result is much less pressure on our partners and ourselves; this can help us experience less stress, better mental wellbeing, and promote a healthier relationship because we can be authentically ourselves.
Loving without expectations begins with members of a couple loving themselves. For example, I was working with Tanisha and her husband, David (names changed to protect their privacy), who were struggling in their relationship with a negative cycle of Tanisha being very critical of David and David withdrawing. As a result of this cycle, they would not talk to each other sometimes for several days after they experienced an escalation. They would also experience a range of negative feelings for each other and the future of their relationship.
As we discussed how loving without expectations might be a useful antidote to their negative cycle, one of the things that became clear was how their own negative beliefs about themselves contributed to their painful interactions with each other. For example, Tanisha had grown up in a household where her parent always negatively compared Tanisha to her sisters, so she grew up wondering if she was loveable.
The very same belief was activated whenever David withdrew. A crucial part of their work became about Tanisha accepting her worthiness and that she was loveable. As Tanisha recognised her loveable qualities, she could experience David in a very selfless way.
Loving without expectations also involves trusting and have good faith in the intentions of the person we love. Viewing our loved one’s choices from a place of trust and confidence can reconfigure and soften our understanding of our partner’s behaviour. For David, it was realising that his sweetheart’s criticism came from not hating him but experiencing her struggles which often prompted her to be critical. When David came to this realisation, he could better believe she loved him and had the best intentions for their relationship.
As Tanisha and David committed to loving each other without having expectations, they also became more acutely aware of the importance of accepting each other with flaws. This acceptance of each other’s imperfections took the pressure off of them to fix each other and as a result, took a tremendous amount of pressure off their relationship. Their acceptance of each other reduced defensiveness and the fact that they could be more authentic in the relationship created a space where they could be more loving to each other.
Loving without expectations will never be easy, but it is the type of love that encourages relationships to thrive.
Remembering this Valentine’s Day to love ourselves, have trust and good faith in our partner’s intentions, and accept each other will position ourselves to be less stressed and our relationship to be in a healthier place. We can achieve selflessness through effort and consciousness about how we want to experience ourself and have other people experience themselves in our relationship.
