IT WAS IN MY VIEW a monstrous perversion of common sense to put Veoma Ali and me to share a page. For years Rickey and Rich peacefully pontificated in ponderous predictable parlance, no pressure. They throw in that loose cannon female and frankly I’m intimidated. Especially with my nether regions in her half of the page.
Suddenly, readers want lighter fare. Like, a police sergeant at District “A” has his Nation page 13 spread on his desk. And he tells his comrade: “He ditched Rihanna for Veoma!”
For the record, that isn’t true. I joke about TURFs (totally un-reachable females) like Rihanna, Veoma and Tia Sealy, the Banks Calender girl, knowing I’ll never meet them. Actually, I have Tia’s smiling face looking over my monitor for inspiration. Sometimes I view her whole profile and get inspired even more.
But what I need most at this point in time is a woman who can whoop. And when it comes to whooping, my wife is boss. More about that later.
Then the Sunday-morning rum-drinkers at Rocklyn gas station insist I mention a fellow who’s getting married. But the lady won’t give him any. Not surprising, he lives in Isolation Road.
In similar vein, Tony Walcott told me of an Australian woman who would only marry a man who had never had sex with another woman. Eventually she finds a guy who’s spent all his life in the outback and meets her requirements. On their wedding night, however, she comes out of the bathroom to find the furniture stacked in a corner and him naked in the middle of the room. “What’s this about?” she asks.
“Well, ma’m, I ain’t never been with a woman. But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”
Finally, Mr Walker in Canada emailed: “I’m sitting on the toilet on the coldest day of the year reading your column and having a good laugh, not to mention the laxative effect it had.”
You see what that Veoma woman has reduced me to? Dick-Lax, the safe alternative to castor oil!
No way! I’m not letting sister-in-law Frances hog the juicy issues. So first let’s tackle Rennette Dimmott who quotes me as saying that when we had hanging, murders still continued. You’re missing the point, madam.
Warren Alleyne can quote exact figures for murders and hangings for every year probably from the 1940s. When hanging was routine, two or three murders a year was a lot. Contrast that with today’s daily slaughter.
A deterrent is not a brick wall. But execution did, and still can, reduce this senseless loss of life to a minimum. If you doubt that execution is a deterrent, ask why no drug pushers ever tell out on their suppliers.
By using execution, ISIS has terrified its enemies to the point where Obama won’t put troops on the ground in the Middle East. He knows full well that any of them captured will be executed by beheading or burning alive and the video posted for all to see. The claim that execution isn’t a deterrent is utter foolishness.
Which brings us to ask Herr Mikael Barfod of the EU: after centuries of exploiting this region, can’t you white Europeans accept we no longer need to be dictated to by yourselves? What moral right have you to pressure our thinking on executions and homos buggering? Is Europe a shining example of anything we should follow – economic chaos, ethnic and religious killings, corruption and sex scandals, refugees dying in their thousands?
Our morality is guided by centuries’ old wisdom and experience on what works. European morality changes on the whims and fancies of your current pseudo-intellectuals. We are now to believe that men buggering men – an insult to nature and common sense – is a most noble act. Execution of convicted criminals is wrong (but not killing young boys in war). You sent warships to catch marijuana smugglers, then legalise it yourself?
Sorry, Barfod, we’re big boys now and can see right through your hypocrisy.
However, even big boys need a woman who can whoop. The goats have been hiding in the gully and refusing to come out. But we’ve found the solution: my wife whoops, they come running. Can’t believe I married such a whooper!
Say, Veoma, can you whoop?
Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator. Email porkhoad@gmail.com