THERE IS A STORY about a woman named Delilah who went to a psychiatrist complaining that she could not get the song The Green, Green Grass Of Home …
“Why, why, why?” she asked. The doctor thought for a moment, consulted various textbooks, and then said, “I am afraid you have something called the ‘Tom Jones Syndrome’.”
The woman was concerned to the point of alarm. “First time I ever heard of that, Doctor,” she responded. “Is it quite rare?” she asked. “Actually,” replied the doctor, “it’s not unusual.”
At this time of the year, with the Christmas holidays quickly giving way to the New Year festivities and both flying into the distant past faster than the West Indies Cricket Board’s alacrity to get rid of Dwayne Bravo and Kieron Pollard, it’s not unusual for the days to seem to have wings.
As Einstein said, explaining his theory of relativity, if you sit next to a pretty girl for a minute it seems like a second, but if you sit on a hot stove for a minute, it seems
like an eternity.
I have just about got to the point in my life when, for my birthday, all they need to do is put the cake ingredients in the pan, light the candles, and the cake cooks itself. As I surveyed myself in the mirror before Old Year’s Night 2014, I thought I was too old for half-baked resolutions. Usually, I run out of steam early on and it is a case of in one year and out the other.
A survey a few years ago by McVitie’s, the biscuit makers, found that out of 28 million (61 per cent) adults who make New Year’s resolutions, only 9 per cent keep them for a whole year. In fact, nearly a third (29 per cent) of people who make resolutions keep them for less than one week.
This year, 2015, I started with a prayer. It goes like this, “God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.”
Then, in addition to resolving not to make any more New Year’s resolutions, I decided to forget about making the ones that are easy to break. I advise anyone who, like me, break the resolutions about food, exercise and money, to try three new ones.
I would have loved to try this one but it belongs to humorist Greg Tamblyn: “Deer readers, my gnu years resolution is to tell you a gazelleon times how much I caribou you! Sorry. Bad puns. Alpaca bag and leave.”
I also had the idea, like comedian Melanie White, of resolving to win the lottery. If you don’t keep your resolution you always have someone to blame. But then I came up with these three.
The first is not to judge a book by the cover. Why? One friend of mine who owns books like the Kama Sutra and The Perfumed Garden bought one called Twenty Ways To Mate: Translated From The French With Original Illustrations. In trying to sell it to me, he explained, “How could I have known it was about chess?”
The second is to be always prepared for anything, yet not to expect too much from life. There was the biology teacher who asked one of his female students, “Miss Perkins, what portion of the human anatomy swells to ten times its normal size during periods of agitation or emotional excitement?”
Blushing, she stammered that she would rather not answer the question because it was kind of personal. The teacher, pointing out that it was not at all personal, explained, “The correct answer is the pupil of the eye, and your response tells me two things: First, that you didn’t read last night’s assignment, and second, that marriage is going to leave you a tremendously disappointed young woman.”
The third resolution is not to get too attached to other people and, even on Old Year’s Night, not to wish too much for company.
Three women were marooned on a desert island, where they lived for years and years until, one day, they found a magic lamp complete with a genie who said, “Since I can only give out three wishes, you may each have one.”
So the first woman said, “I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I just want to go home” – and she disappeared.
Then the second one made her wish.
“This is a terrible place,” she cried. “I want to go home too.” Instantly, she also disappeared. The third one started crying uncontrollably.
The genie asked her soothingly, “My dear, what is the matter?”
Sobbing, she said, “I wish my friends were here.”
• Tony Deyal was last seen explaining that when he was younger women used to kiss him on his lips but it’s all over now.
