Dear Christine,
My husband and I have been happily married for six years. Sex was good until I got pregnant. I did not enjoy sex during pregnancy.
My husband was not sure he would like a baby – until the end when he changed his mind. So we had almost no sex during that period. He was a great companion and a fantastic Lamaze coach. I was happier than at almost any time in my life.
My baby is now two months old and I am all healed. The trouble is I do not enjoy sex any more. I have no urges, and when my husband kisses my breasts, I feel like he is violating something that belongs to my baby. Intercourse is painful even with lubrication. When he touches me I have to fight the impulse to pull away.
He is unhappy with a wife who does not want him sexually. When the baby cries at bedtime I am glad, because it gets me out of another disappointing try at sex.
– L.S.
Dear L.S.,
I want you to know you are not alone – this comes up in many marriages, even when the sex life was great before the pregnancy began. So this is not some special misery fate has cooked up just for you.
There is good reason for it; you should not try too hard to resume sex the way it was before – not right now. Many mothers go through this and if the word “normal” helps you, you can say that this is normal and natural.
The woman who has not had a baby before is anxious about filling her new role. The baby is on her mind all the time and she gets to realise that the care of an infant who has no idea of living on a grown-up schedule and who keeps you awake when you are used to sleeping, is a heavy preoccupation which requires great strength.
Do not blame yourself or imagine that your husband is more upset than he really is. Do not exaggerate his disappointment or resentment over this interruption of his sex life. Talk to him about it, and when he says he understands and can survive it, believe him.
I think you should arrange to spend some special time with your husband. Not just to have sex, but to restore some of that companionship which can set the stage for lovemaking.
– CHRISTINE
