WEDNESDAY WOMAN – SAVE-iour for abuse victims

THE FIRST TIME it happened to her, she was shocked and disappointed. For hours she cried uncontrollably, because she was hurt, both physically and emotionally. Though she experienced mixed feelings, she remembers saying:  “I just want my mummy, I want my mummy, please, I want my mummy.”This is the way Liesel Daisley felt the first time she was a victim of domestic abuse. Now, Daisley is out of that relationship and she is the founder and chairman of the SAVE (Service Alliance for Violent Encounters) Foundation, which was formed in March 2009. SAVE’s mission is to focus on domestic violence as an issue, raise public awareness and collaborate with other national organisations to try to “stamp it out”. The foundation is funded by the onshore and offshore private sector and the Bureau of Gender Affairs.During an interview with the DAILY NATION, this WEDNESDAY WOMAN spoke about how it all began and how she arrived at what she is doing now.“As far as I was concerned this kind of thing was not supposed to happen to me. I really did not see it coming. It started out with verbal abuse, which escalated to emotional abuse and then it finally came to head with physical abuse.“It stemmed from the perpetrator’s anger. We would be arguing over an issue and he would begin to get loud and eventually violent.“I was not living in Barbados at the time, so I was away from my family and I didn’t know anyone, and that made it even harder for me to cope. After being abused week after week, it eventually gave me a low self-esteem, low self-image, [and] my confidence was completely destroyed. “When I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognise myself anymore because my zeal for life and my spirit were broken. I felt empty, hollow; I felt like I was just existing in life with no real purpose, destiny, goal or ambition. “It sounds weird but after being told that you are stupid and other awful things . . . you start to act it,” Daisley said.  Many would wonder why she stayed in the relationship and endured such horrible circumstances. Daisley said she “stayed for the same reason any other victim would have stayed”.“I was a newly-wed who wanted my relationship to work. Here it is, this person is abusing you, why don’t you just pick up and leave. But the truth of the matter is I hung in there to try to make my relationship work. “This is what most women that find themselves in these kind of situations do. “You love the person, you want your relationship to work but at the same time you really want him to stop abusing you. You are trying to change this person into something completely different, when you yourself need help,” she said.Knife to the throatAfter two years of being abused, Daisley said the straw that broke that camel’s back was a day “he pinned me against a wall and put a knife to my throat”.“I honestly believed that I was going to die at that point. He was just staring at me. I was breathing heavily and I just didn’t know what to do. It was a very scary moment but yet I was calm. I just remember saying to God in my mind ‘What to do? What to do?’. As crazy as this sounds I felt if I kissed him that it would defuse him. So I kissed him on the lips and at that stage the knife was to my belly so I leaned in and I kissed him. “It was like clockwork. He immediately snatched up the car keys and stormed out the front door. Wake-up call“That was the wake-up call for me. I had enough. It was time to pack up and come home,” said the chairman, who is currently working on offering victims free legal advice and also on providing jobs for single mothers.She came back home feeling depressed, like a failure, still suffering with self-esteem issues, and this lasted for an entire year. Eventually, with the help of “church activities and family members”, she came back to herself and for that she was grateful.Daisley, who manages the foundation’s hotline, said wives were not the only victims of domestic abuse. In a sad tone she disclosed “a number of teenaged girls call in”.“It is disturbing because [for] a lot of them who call, the abuse is coming from within their home. It’s coming from their stepfathers and fathers and, in some cases, not just physical abuse but also sexual abuse. It is very unfortunate that a woman would bring a man into her home and that man abuses her daughter sexually. “And these are only some of the disturbing reports we get. And yes, we do get male victims and some of them are disabled. We have spoken to men who have ended up in hospital because of domestic abuse. The reason they would call is to say, “my wife used to beat me and I see the work you are doing but it’s not only men beating women, women also beat men”.Changing mindsets“Women call me with situations worse than what I went through and I am glad I didn’t have children involved. “But we still have a lot of work to do as far as changing mindsets, because a lot of people still try to sweep the issue under the carpet, because they are embarrassed to say they are being beaten. “In our short time of existence we have been able to bring the topic to the fore and more and more people are talking about it and coming forward for help,” she added.