Dear Al Gilkes,
MY DEAR FRIEND and SUNDAY SUN columnist, I now understand de meaning of the saying “keep yuh enemies close and yuh friends closer”! Imagine you wanted confidential advice from yuh “friend” de Vendor pun matters close to de heart (de heart of de matter) and you writing me in de NATION newspaper wid de biggest circulation, over 50 000 copies.
That means that 200 000 people reading my business. How you t’ink dat look, dear friend Al?
I went to Guyana fuh de weekend and when I come back de whole place know my business and people like muscle-bound Seon DeFreitas hollering out at me in de public, “Al Gilkes brek yuh up in de papers!” and skinning he teet’ like a cheetah.
In church fuh ashes pun Wednesday last a nice-looking lady did looking at me and smiling and I know wha’ she did thinking! I frighten to tangle wid you cause de pen is a mighty sword
and yours sharpen both sides! You want de Vendor who, according to you, don’t spend a cent pun anything other than house and land, to tell you bout exotic massages and whether dem does really help release or increase stiffness in de muscles, especially “limp, sagging or dead muscles like mine”. And yuh want advice especially on a February special in de NATION classifieds “Double whammy treatment featuring Faith and Sky”. Finally, yuh bring to muh attention something dat you say right up my alley,
a penis pump guaranteed to increase size instantly! Cud dear, Al, have lil mercy, nuh! Al, I mekkin sure de facts straight before replying!
I know you would never recommend something to yuh friend that you could not verify, so pun de penis pump go ahead. From all reports, you already dey. Conroy de donkey would cry effing he see yours!
A woman in de market say, “Vendor, tell Al Gilkes size don’t matter!” But Al, yuh shoulda see she size! Over 400 pounds and rising! According to you, I don’t spend a cent pun nothing other than house and land, then yuh contradict yuhself when yuh infer dat de Vendor into exotic massages cause I sure Faith and Sky don’t come cheap!
As fuh de massages, Al, wha’ you looking to raise might medically be a muscle but any Bajan woman worth she salt know it as an organ. De massages will help de muscles but not de organ! Ah couldn’t help but notice dat you into old-time massages and I quoting you: “The masseuse uses his or her hands expertly to rid you of that stiffness.”
We part company there.
Al, no man ain’t massaging me; it is not going to happen, exotic or otherwise. I want to relax and any man massaging me will cause me to tense up but I see it like it don’t matter to you!
I got a good masseuse, Connie, and, Al, when she done wid you, yuh know yuh get a good rub down. But it is de good old-time way.
Finally, dear friend, I got two confessions to make. Years ago when you did enter a Tradewinds fete at Carlton Club wid a lady, Al, it wasn’t de Vendor who shout out, “Al, who is the strange lady you out wid tonight?” I know it was de madam and I sorry you t’ink it was me!
And I know that you think it was me who tell everybody that a woman tell you one night in front of many people, “I don’t mind you Al Gilkes – is only yuh arteries dat stiff dese days!”
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?