TWO DAYS BEFORE de election I keeping far from de politics, so it is email time.
Market Vendor, de email say, I need advice pun a personal matter. I does hear people say how dem get treat like a dog and I always wonder what dem mean by dat ’cause all de dogs and cats I see does get treat like dem is de man of de house and de man of de house does get treat, well, like de dog.
At least dat is how I feel.
De dog or cat get sick, de women bring out yuh best beach towels and placing de animal pun de fabric seat of she car, curlers in de hair, barely a petticoat pun she back and she down by Central Veterinary to see Dr Gus Reader, anxiety pun she face till doc can see de animal, attentive all de time to de beast, but you fall sick and you lucky if you get some Panadol or Limacol.
Lord help you if a friend can’t tek you to de doctor; you better call Island Care ambulance. Meanwhile, she down at Limegrove licking out de few pennies buying Luis Vuitton bags and you in de doctor office waiting two hours past the appointment time, drooling and groaning.
Dem in Carlton and A1 Supermarket buying de best gourmet dog food, but you lucky if you get li’l saltfish or tripe to pour over green breadfruit.
You checking a girl, Market, she love animals and you pretending you like dem. Don’t mind you got allergies and sneezing from de cat dander and dog hair, you tekkin antihistamines by de bottle just to get through wid de girl.
You at she house pun de settee but de cat in between wunnah and de feline not moving. You eating, de animal rubbing yuh pants leg like um is a door post; you want to holler “scram” but don’t dare.
Finally, you mek it to de bedroom but de cat pun de bed purring. You just want to drop it out de upstairs window quietly so you and yuh girl could have some fun.
So I move on. De next lady got de biggest dog you ever see. De beast know you is trouble. He snarling and growling everytime you approach de house.
He wee wee everytime pun yuh car tyres that you just had valeted; de brute biting off yuh mud guards when you not looking; you and de lady gine to de beach but Brutus coming and dis 150-pound monster sitting and drooling all over yuh back seat. Fuh days after you tekking tablets to get down de swelling from allergy bumps.
De dog thirsty. Guess who got to get water fuh he? Instead of posing pun de beach wid you, she and Brutus strutting up and down like a couple while you guarding beach towels and suntan lotion.
You want to feed he something dat would give he de runnings, but you frighten he vomit or doo doo in yuh car. He living sweet while you walking behind cleaning up and disposing of poop. You got to grit yuh teeth just to impress de lady dat you is a dog lover. Market, what to do?
Muh brudder, my advice is to find a girldat get bite by a dog when she was small and she frighten fuh dogs. Mek sure she got allergies to cats like you. You did say you got allergies to pussycats, correct?
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?
