Dear Christine,
I need your help urgently before I end up at the Psychiatric Hospital.
I am 53 years old and just discovered that my husband of 20 years has cheated on me throughout most of our years together.
In fact, not only has he been cheating on me, but he also has a 16-year-old daughter and a 14-year-old son from his outside woman.
Christine, I discovered this only a month ago when my husband took seriously ill. I received an overseas telephone call from a woman who told me she was the mother of these two children and that my husband was the father.
Christine, during our first ten years of marriage, my husband travelled quite frequently and was gone sometimes for four to eight weeks. Apparently, he started a relationship with this woman and the children were the result of this affair. The woman never married and so she and my husband kept up their friendship.
To say I am deeply hurt is an understatement, especially since my husband and I do not have children of our own. This woman has apparently visited the island on many occasions and was introduced to one of my husband’s buddies. It was through this buddy that she learnt of my husband’s stroke, which has left him speechless and without the use of his left side. He is 60 years old.
Christine, my family is also devastated as they believed in my husband and he never gave us reason to suspect he was ever unfaithful to me, or that he lived a doubled life.
I’ve discovered that any mail to him was usually sent to his buddy’s residence and it was there that he made any landline contact with this woman and his children.
Now that the truth is out in the open, I am searching my heart to find out whether there is any room for forgiveness and if I can open it up to accepting and receiving these children who are requesting to see their father.
This is really too much for me to bear all at one time and I am seeking your advice.
I have gotten hold of my husband’s will, which I have seen for the first time since his illness, and realized that he even made provision in it for these children.
Christine, I am really hurting. I am finding it difficult to eat, sleep and to concentrate on my work. I keep asking myself how my husband could have cheated and lied to me for all these years. How could I have been so foolish and blind? I feel like a total failure and a fool.
What advice can you give to stop me from going to the Psychiatric Hospital or doing something foolish?
Should I open myself to these children who are not to blame formy husband’s infidelity? I need answers quickly.
– May
Dear May,
I do understand your hurt, pain and sadness all at once.
First and foremost, I advise you not to make any rash decisions. There is no reason why you cannot take some time out to think about all you’ve been through, then make a rational decision concerning these children and whether or not you will let them become a part of your life.
What your husband has done is so wrong, but for your sake, not his, you must forgive him. Not to do so will make it so much harder for you.
Nowhere in your letter did you say that you and your husband had problems. This tells me that he cared and loved you despite his unfaithfulness.
Simply give yourself time. Don’t rush to make any decisions.
After thinking everything through, you’ll be in a much better position to decide where to go from here.
Also, seek professional counsel and help regarding your health. Take one day at a time.
– CHRISTINE