Dear Christine
I have an adorable five-year-old grandson and when I visit my son and his wife, I cannot stand to see the way my daughter-in-law treats that child.
My son swears that she loves the boy, but she has no concept of what it means to be a parent. She also has no patience. She yells at him constantly and even threatens to beat him.
I do not know if she actually does, but I suspect that she has abused him in the past when my son was away. I have no proof of this, but even if I had, my son would defend her.
What makes young parents behave in this manner? It breaks my heart to see children being abused verbally or physically. My son was not treated this way so he should know better.
– S
Dear S
I cannot tell you for sure if your daughter-in-law abuses her son, but I can tell you what research shows. Abusive mothers are usually less satisfied with themselves and have unrealistically high expectations of what sort of people they should be and how their children should develop and behave.
As a result, their attitudes about their children often reflect their own childhood experiences in striving to meet their own parents’ unreasonable expectations.
Research also found that mothers who tended to be abusive not only ranked lower in self-esteem, but also ranked lower than their non-abusive counterparts in their capacity for nurturing and in their ability to conform to what was expected of them as mothers. They resist authority and seem to need to exert their influence over others.
Abusive parents often love their children – in their own way. They can be helped and they obviously need to be taught how to be parents.
As to who is going to do the teaching in your case, I am not sure. However, I suspect you will have a huge part to play in seeing that your grandson receives better treatment.
– CHRISTINE