SOMETIMES YUH DOES SAY OR WRITE SOMETHING and don’t even tink ’bout where it gine end up and how dem same words might come back and cause yuh some embarrassment!
Recently I talk ’bout how in Amurca them got drugs fuh everything even one fuh de number two department, a drug called Dulcolax, which as you might guess from de last syllable, got something to do with bathroom business. Normally people does tek a drug to either make yuh go or stop yuh from going, as in diarrhoea, but in dis case de drug is to help yuh go easier.
Imagine my embarrassment when I get email from muh parents in New York saying, “Market, in yuh parents’ household we know ’bout Dulcolax. We does use it. How you know?”
I don’t even want to go there, but de two of wunnah is West Indians. Wunnah never hear ’bout prune juice, castor oil nor Epson salts? I know my mudder know ’bout castor oil ’cause de week before school begin it was mandatory and fuh two days straight. De only errands yuh running was between de bedroom and de bathroom. When yuh need to turn off de taps, Angostura bitters will do de job. All of a sudden West Indians using Dulcolax!
And while we at it, I know dat Ozzie Osbourne is a freak and most of he family too, but iffing I was he I would be embarrassed every time I see dah foolish ad pun CBS wid he and he wife.
Ozzie, you actually get paid to look so foolish?
Hear de wife “Ozzie, you got a secret fantasy? “Yes,” he say, “To go to New York and have a colonoscopy.” Den yuh hear how to enter de CBS sweepstakes and get a trip to NY fuh a free colonoscopy. I understand dat men must get these things every ten years or so, and promoting good health is an important public service. But a sweepstake to have a man tell you tek off yuh pants, turn to a side and let he insert a tube wid a camera through yuh No Entry zone after a day of cleansing is not exactly de type of fantasy I want!
But then I am not Ozzie and maybe he really might like de experience. I happy to have Dr Charlie Edwards do mine here at de Queen Elizabeth Hospital. Somebody should tell Ozzie dat he could get de job done here and have a real vacation as a bonus.
And then there was Agrofest whichin from de crowds like it was a big hit again dis year. A few years ago dem had one of de most creative advertisements I ever see: a gorgeous young lady, leaning over and showing some chesty assets, about to prepare breakfast and she had two eggs in de frying pan and de caption pun de advertisement did read “Two Eggs”. Well, some people get real offended and had all sorts of things to say ’bout de ad and de young lady.
So, there I was at a recent event at Limegrove, and I meet dis very attractive young lady who tell me that she was de girl in de Two Eggs ad and how I was de only person to defend she. Poor me. I could never ever forget de ad, but could not remember what ah said, so I ask she and she reply, “You said I had a nice pair of eyes.”
Truth be told, I still don’t know iffing that is true, because I ain’t look in she eyes yet!
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?