Dear Christine,
I have spent the past 20 years of my life with a married man. And although I know others may think what I have done is wrong, they will never be able to understand my circumstances and what led to this life-time affair.
During the course of our relationship we had a child together. That child is now at secondary school.
At no time during the past 20 years have I verbally or otherwise disrespected this man’s wife. In fact, as far as I am aware, she knew nothing about the relationship because we were always discreet. Her husband was a prominent man, and so apart from a few close friends and workmates who knew about our relationship, we never flaunted ourselves unnecessarily in public.
He has supported me throughout the years, even though I’ve always had a good job, and he spares nothing when it comes to looking after his child. He also has children from his wife. Well, maybe I should say his former wife, since she passed away four years ago.
This is what I want to talk about. This is five years since she died and our relationship has continued. One would have thought that with his renewed freedom he would consider marrying me. Sadly, he has not shown the slightest indication of doing so. Even though I brought up the subject on many occasions, he has never given me a direct answer. I am 16 years younger than this man, but age has never been an issue. I am deeply hurt but I have tried my utmost best, for the sake of our child, not to show my disappointment. I am not a Barbadian-born citizen, but I have been living here legally for the past 25 years. Our child only knows a few relatives from his father’s side, but we have no relatives from my side living on the island.
Of course, I visit my relatives back home as often as I can, which is usually once or twice a year.
Eight months ago I met a really wonderful man who wants to be with me. However, because of my long-term affair I have been keeping him at bay. I am now thinking that I should accept him and perhaps start a new life with this man. However, I am unsure of this move. What I have before me is a man who seems content to have me but not marry me, and another, just two years older than I am, who is single, has a great job, and who wants to commit to me. Christine, what advice would you give me?
– Holding On Too Long
Dear Holding On Too Long,
You have spent the last 20 years of your life living with another woman’s husband. Although this man’s wife is now dead, he has not talked marriage and seems to have no intention of doing so.
Why does that surprise you? Despite your years of faithfulness, don’t you think this man could be of the opinion that you could turn around and cheat on him also? Just put yourself in his shoes. Add this to the fact: you are 16 years his junior. This man is no fool.
He’s been eating his cake and having it too for the past 20 years. Why should he marry you now? If he is as affluent as you say he is, he is perhaps also ensuring that his children get what is rightfully theirs. This does not mean he will not continue to take care of you and your child – as long as you continue to remain in the shadows.
My honest answer to you would be to do yourself a favour and give your new suitor a chance. Your long-term lover has obviously made it clear that he is not keen on remarrying, so why waste more years of your life waiting for this to happen?
Five years should have provided him with enough time to make up his mind. You deserve a man of your own; one who has no additional baggage in his life, and does not have to see you in secret. Girlfriend, get a life; move on! You’ve been at the same spot for too long. Best of luck.
– CHRISTINE