I WAS MOVED to write about what happened to me after reading a Dear Christine letter this week in which a husband said he does not trust a man around his wife.
I found the letter amazing because some of the same things his wife is doing and saying are what my former wife did and said.
My wife and the man in question also worked together – actually, he was her boss. The trouble between us started about two months after she began working at his company.
People told me they used to go for lunch together; he used to go by her mother’s house with her; he had her cell and home phone numbers and would sometimes called at night about some file or for clarification on something. And when I questioned the situation, she would tell me I was being silly.
Like that man too, I threatened her that I would leave her if she continued her friendship with her boss, but I never could because I loved her.
Our relationship went from a very close one in which we used to talk about everything to one where we hardly spoke as regardless of what we were talking about there was so much tension between us that it eventually flared up into a noise.
Just to show you what I mean: I asked her in mid-August when she was going to start buying uniforms for our son to go back to school. I reminded her that we were cutting it close as people usually start buying from the beginning of July soon after school closed for the long vacation.
She told me she knew she had to do it and in fact had given money to her boss – calling him by his first name – to buy them for her in Trinidad, where he had gone on business. She said he had a son a little older than ours and was accustomed to buying those things.
So I asked her why she didn’t consult me first on that as she and I used to go to town with our son to do that.
That started a noise. She wanted to know what was so wrong for her to get school clothes bought for our son if we could get the same quality clothes at a cheaper price as her boss – calling him by his first name again – assured her. She said besides that it was her money and she trusted him to make the right choice, unlike me who bought the wrong colour shoes the last time I took him to town without her. And how that caused our son problems with the principal at school.
I tried to explain that I was not vex she had done it; it was just she should have consulted me first. But she just began saying she really had no time for my pettiness and walked out of the kitchen.
I could relate other quarrels we had about her allowing this man to do things, or her doing things with this man that we used to do as a couple, things like strolling on the boardwalk to take in the sunset. How could you just do that and don’t expect your partner to question your motives? As I told her, she would not have liked it if I did that with a woman.
The quarrels were not the only thing; the intimacy stopped too. From sex at least twice a week, it went to sex about twice a month because she was always tired.
Of course, as my suspicions grew about her and her boss, and I increasingly questioned her about it, the more she withdrew from me. So it came to a point when she moved out of our bedroom and started sleeping with our son.
After a week of this I told her we needed to see a counsellor so that we could iron out our problems – the same thing Christine advised that man who wrote in.
She told me I had the problem, not her. She was trying to be independent and I could not stand to see her getting through. And I just wanted her to remain dependent on me.
Her boss, on the other hand – calling him by his first name – was giving her the opportunity to be her own woman and if I did not like it, tough.
I would admit I lost my cool and slapped her in the face. She pushed me out of the way, ran into the bedroom and locked the door. I began knocking on the door and was going to kick it down but our son began to cry, so I stopped.
About ten to 15 minutes later, the police turned up and told me my wife called saying I beat her and she feared for her life. I apologised for what happened and was explaining to the policeman what really went down.
She came out the room when I was talking to the police and started screaming that she wanted me to leave the house. She told them she did not want me arrested, just out of the house from around her and her son.
The policeman gave me a look that made me shiver. I realised that it made no more sense trying to say anything else. So I got some garbage bags from the cupboard and put my clothes in them.
When I indicated it was not fair I had to leave since I had bought most of the things in the rented house, the policeman said my child would be using them. In any case, as my wife was not pressing charges for beating her, I should be grateful.
I got his hint and left.
The thing is, after four years my son spends more time with me at my mother’s house than with her as she is always at work. And she and the man are a couple.
So, Mr Letter Writer, I wish you luck. Given what I went through, I would advise you to prepare for the worst.