A FEW YEARS ago I realised I had a problem but did nothing to get help. It is only because of a treasured relationship which has been ruined that I feel it is important to reach out to get some help at this stage. I am not inclined to seek psychological counselling nor a psychiatric evaluation but feel that there are other ways in which I can be helped. I am now at the stage where I fear I could find myself out on a limb, and others may get hurt if I fall.
I am a female and recently celebrated my 50th birthday. I have a relatively good job which has allowed me a measure of financial security and, most importantly, I have a wonderful family (my husband and our children). Life has been good to me and given the difficult circumstances and challenges so many people face on a daily basis, I should be the last to complain. I do not suffer any know major health issues and even in the harsh financial situation the country faces, I, indeed my family, can still live fairly comfortably.
However, there is an issue which bears down on me. I now realise that I am an extremely jealous person and this behaviour could very well ruin my life if I am not careful. This is despite my efforts to try and self-regulate my problem – I do not feel I am succeeding. The biggest fear is that I am often annoyed with people I do love and whom I am sure love me. I often wonder whether it is that I crave attention and want the spotlight to be on me in a positive way.
Let me explain. My husband travels overseas on business a few times a year and on each occasion he will bring back certain things, whether soap, foodstuffs, clothing or even small gadgetry. He bring for me, the children, for the children, his mother and his siblings, particularly a sister. Over the past three years he has bought clutch bags for both his mum and his sister, who are both very active churchgoers.
As a rule I unpack his suitcases and set aside the things as he indicates. But, I have found myself stating that they, meaning his mum and sister, do not need those bags but they would be better for my daughter and, of course, me. He did bring six of them over a period and the truth is I only handed over one to each person, Then he brought some tinned stuff and once again I held onto them, sending only four of the original dozen he bought for them.
My husband usually spends part of Saturday and Sunday at his mum and if I call there and he is not yet there or if he has left and takes longer than I anticipate he should have gotten back home, then I will make a fuss and complain. What has caused some friction in recent times has been his insistence to take his mother to her evangelical church at least twice a month. Neither his mum nor sister has a vehicle. In my folly, I changed my church time to one that clashes with his mother’s. Normally, my husband does not respond negatively to anything I request of him, but on this occasion he insisted he could not forsake his mum. He would have to take her and I would have to drive my own vehicle.
I have also found that I put many obstacles in his way when he reaches out to help his nieces and nephews and deep down inside me I always feel that he pays others too much attention. He does shower me with attention, but I guess I want it all.
In recent times, I have found myself also guilty of being annoyed when my husband gives lots of time and attention to our children. I spoke to him about ignoring me, but he simply brushed my concerns aside and told me point-blank that I was too insecure and covetous.
His words shook me and left me wondering, was it so bad? I started to look at myself. I would not do anything purposely to hurt my husband but now I recognised that I might have done so by my actions.
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are very gracious towards me and would help in almost any way. Last year I sustained an injury after running towards my vehicle and even though it did not cause me to be laid up, it slowed me down and made life unbearable and miserable for me. But my in-laws responded with a sense of urgency and eagerness to ensure I encountered no hardships. So from cleaning the house, to cooking and ensuring the children were in a safe environment after school, they willingly undertook.
Yet I felt that some things my husband bought for them at Christmas were better suited for me. He had apparently indicated to them previously that he would give them the gifts, but after it did not materialise they were hurt. My sister-in-law said as much to me on Christmas Day. I felt bad and tried to give them the items but they simply refused and said they were ideal for me. The situation has been tense since then.
Last year my husband and I undertook a major renovation of our house and we decided to look carefully at what we would keep and what we needed to get rid of in order to allow more space while at the same time getting rid of the clutter. But it did not work since I determined that everything was important, that I had to have them and I would not give away my good things. My husband felt I should have given away some of the things to my church. I was adamantly against the suggestion.
My sister-in-law, who lives overseas, sent us a complete crockery set as well as a set of stainless steel cookware. About five years previously she had done the same thing. My husband felt I should have given someone in need another set we had previously. But once again I refused. My husband declined to do so much as help put the items away as his way of protesting. The downright truth is that I have nowhere to put them.
I now admit, to myself and via this article, that I do have a compulsive hoarding and selfish disorder. I want everything for myself. I do covet other people’s things and am never satisfied. But I don’t want this situation to continue. I am uncertain who to talk to, since I don’t want my business “broadcast”. As an active member of a church I may speak to the pastor to help guide me along the right path. I do confess I am uneasy.