Dear Christine,
I’LL LIKE to share the following with you.
We recently learned that our daughter was molested at a very early age. This went on for nearly a year. We never realised how profoundly molestation affects a child. I had heard it was an awful thing, but I never knew the secrecy, the pain, the shame, the guilt and how the victims are groomed by their predators.
They live in a secret world by themselves – brokenhearted, in loneliness and fear. They try to run faster than their pain – and some don’t know why because it has been blocked from their memory.
I have heard that four out of ten women have been molested as children. This is a huge number. There are plenty of victims, but guess what? No predators! They are all “innocent” and protected by families who hide it because they don’t know how to handle the problem. They are protected by a grey area of “uncertainty”.
Threatened
It remains that way because the authorities are never called to investigate. The parents of the molested child are threatened with a nasty lawsuit. Then the whole family turns against the parents and the victim in order to protect the “sick” one and their own reputations.
Everyone – individually and collectively – sticks their head in the sand and refuses to deal with it. An unbelievable amount of pressure is put on the parents by the family. Then it is dismissed because “it happened a long time ago”.
Meanwhile, as the years pass, the victim becomes progressively more mentally, physically and emotionally sick. She’s in and out of hospitals and always on medication. Because now the victim has been rejected and betrayed all over again. If the molester is deemed “innocent”, then she must be “guilty” by default, which reinforces what he told her as a child – that it was all her fault to begin with.
The burden placed on her shoulders becomes unbearable and the closer the extended family, the more profound the rejection. Her worst nightmare has come true.
Finally, she becomes so physically sick and unnerved that she has a breakdown. She has a hard time finding where “she” is inside herself. The medicines she must take are depressants themselves.
It becomes a daily struggle. I know of four other families where similar molestation, rejection and denial have occurred. Families should wake up to the problem. It’s time to bring it out of the closet. I hope you will print some of this letter.
– H.N.
Dear H.N.,
There is no reason whatsoever for me not to print your letter. What you have shared is a serious problem worldwide and it is true that the victims usually suffer and are blamed for what they have had to endure at the hands of the predator.
Many molestation cases are covered up because the “victim” feels ashamed of what is happening to her, or what has happened to her.
In numerous instances, she is viewed as a liar and so the predator walks freely. In other circumstances, “hush money” is paid to relatives of the victim, who gladly accept the money rather than press charges to make sure the predator does not strike again.
Molestation of any sort is serious. Mind you, there are many young boys who are also molested by males and in some cases by female teachers. Let’s not all just blame the men.
Victims always need family support and counselling. Where these two are missing, there will always be hurt, pain and depression.
I can only advise anyone who is being molested to report the matter to their parents,someone whom they trust, or go directly to the police.
Usually, the road to recovery can be long; sometimes it never ends. Even if the predator is jailed or dies, the scars remain.
There are some things that only prayer, wisdom and courage can resolve. I hope your daughter gets to the stage where she can forgive her molester and leave this episode where it belongs – in the past. She has to make the determination to do so, and not allow it to further cripple her future.
– CHRISTINE