By Sanka Price
BUTT OUT MUM!
That is essentially the message from readers to a mother concerned about her son’s involvement with a woman eight years his senior and the mother of children.
The man’s mother had asked: “How would you suggest I speak to my son about his relationship with a 34-year-old divorcee and mother of two children? He is 26 and has good career prospects. She is equally qualified, but not as ambitious, and so has not progressed much in their chosen profession.”
Those who responded primarily by email told the mother that she should mind her own business and let her son get on with his life. They argued that as an adult he was fully capable of making his own decisions and dealing with the consequences.
Some questioned whether the mother’s fears related more to the woman having two children and being a divorcee than with her lack of ambition. Others queried if she would feel that way if her son was the divorcee with two children or if the woman was her daughter with two children and seeking to find a new life.
One woman suggested that the mum might feel the woman would be a drain on her son’s resources as she came with a ready-made family, but stated: “This young lady does have standards as she was married with kids and qualifications, which the mother should look at more positively. What [the mother] needs to do is speak to them both to find out what they are really looking for in life and they can move on from there as they could go on to make a very good union.”
We concur.
Often we bring our prejudices to bear on a situation and make certain judgements without thorough analysis of the facts. And when the circumstances involve highly charged emotional matters, like this one, sometimes people who are normally level-headed tend to be less than objective.
This mum obviously has her son’s best interest at heart, but needs to recognize there are some decisions he has to make for himself. And finding a mate is one of them.
The following are edited versions of responses:
• “They say opposites attract. Her way of doing things may one day save him from a heart attack by showing him that it’s necessary to slow down sometimes. Money doesn’t buy happiness!”
• “What exactly do you want to tell him? That his 34-year-old divorcee with two kids, though qualified, is not as ambitious as you’d like, and is not the woman he should be seeing?”
• “You need to respect your son and let him make his decisions. If the relationship ends badly, be there with love and support, ‘I told you so’s’ not included.”
• “Love is strange, so the song goes, and age is just a number. He obviously sees something in her that causes them to ‘click’. It’s his life, so let them be.”
• “You apparently have issues with the age difference. We cannot choose who we fall in love with nor can we choose for our children. With the apparent age issue that you have, you will definitely have a problem talking to him. They say that opposites attract; maybe he will be that foundation she needs.”
• “Maybe you taught your son some great values and he sees this in this woman.”
• “Divorced mothers need love too. Just because she’s had a failed marriage does not make her incapable of being in a relationship that will flourish into something beautiful.”
• “We all would like our sons to marry the women of our choice, but this is your son’s life and, just maybe, the woman deserves more credit than you are willing to give her.”
• “This divorcee may make your son very happy, because she has been in a failed marriage, and more willing to give and take.”
• “Behind every successful man there’s a woman. Maybe as time goes by she will be successful in her endeavours and he could be her driving force. . . Only God knows how they will complete each other.”
• “His choice. Get over it; no grandchildren for you.”
• “If your son was the 34-year-old divorcee would you want to “speak” to him? I don’t think so. You’re bordering on being a hypocrite. Leave it alone.”
• “How your son makes his bed he has to lie in it. You never know; she might make him happy. . . Your relationship with your son might be ruined because of your intervention.”
• “Your son has his own life to live. . . If he needs your motherly support he will let you know.”
• “What’s the problem? They are both over 18. Keep out.”
• “Just let him know to do what he feels is right, but only if he comes to you for any advice.”
• “If they both love each other, then let them be. She probably treats him the way he wants to be treated . . . . Support them both and wish them the best.”
• “Give your son room to mature, to be a good husband and father. If he comes to you for advice, please don’t berate the lady, and do give them all your support.”
• “He is your son but not your baby. You should be confident that he will make the right choices for himself and his new family. We all want more than what we had for our children, but in this short life many feel that a happy loving family may mean more than progress.”
• “Love has no boundaries – every man to his own preference.”
