We all want the best for ourselves, whether that desire is for a sound education, a nice house, a pretty car, well behaved but ambitious children, or a good woman or man. Whatever it may be, all of us want something that we consider to be important to us.
Having received a quality education, which led to a high paying job and acquisition of my own house before I was 30, all I ever wanted after that was an honest partner – someone who would love me for who I am and treat me with respect – to share my life with.
But wanting something and getting it are two different things. That’s why I am now in my 40s and never had the opportunity to enjoy such a relationship. Instead, all I’ve ever got was heartache after heartache.
But I do not blame men for using me. I blame myself. It was the choices I made in men that resulted in my being alone today.
I’m sharing my story because there are lots of women who, like me, had an ideal man in mind and went out to catch only those who fit that profile, disregarding all others.
All the while we were doing this, we were ageing. And today we are alone while women with less going for them have husbands, most of whom are treating them well.
In my case, my ideal man is, of course, handsome and physically fit, intellectual without being boring, a good conversationalist, one who mixes well but isn’t a flirt and, most of all, someone who genuinely adores me for my personality and not my body or how good I am in bed.
I was involved with two such individuals in my life, and spent 14 years, all told, in relationships with them, only to have to walk away both times a loser.
But, as I said, that was my fault. I never saw the obvious signs about their personalities or I simply ignored them in my quest to deepen my relationship with someone I considered a great catch.
Because of my lack of foresight, I first fell for a guy who only used me for a good time. I was young and looking to make my way through the maze that is this world. We had a great time partying, travelling, and so on.
But all of that came to naught when I kept asking him about marriage. After avoiding the topic for as long as possible, he bluntly refused to marry me, saying I was not the type of woman he was looking for.
Do you have any idea how I felt when I was told that?
We were together for nine years and some months and were actually living together for the last three of those years, when he suddenly realized I was not what he was looking for.
He never explained what he meant, but for me it was a case of his not being able to deal with the fact that although I was eight years younger than he was, I was fully qualified, had my own home and was doing well in my job, while he had plateaued in his job as he had not completed his professional certification. Â
That said, his words cut me to the core, so much so that it took me nearly ten months before I started going out with someone again. After that slow start, I eventually got more into him and the relationship started looking up. After 20 months together he proposed to me and then we got engaged.
We set the date two years in advance because we wanted to build a house together. I was sure about him.
He was thoughtful, reliable and supportive, and never forgot anything important to me. And he was good-looking too, with a real analytical brain.
To be honest, I felt as if I had struck gold with this man; he was too good to be true. And you know what is said about such things: if they appear so, they usually are – and he was!
The problem with him was that though he was attentive to me, he had a wandering eye – and that was not the only part of his anatomy which strayed.
I only realized how unfaithful he was when a woman with whom he was friendly actually accosted me. That happened about three weeks before we were to be married.
I immediately called a halt to everything. We quarrelled; he admitted that he liked women too much to ever stop seeing someone on the side; so we broke up. My life has not been the same since. I don’t trust anyone anymore.
But, as I said, I blame myself for what happened to me – not those two men. I made poor choices and paid for them.
Hopefully, women reading this will look at their relationships and recognize the reality of who they are involved with as against the fantasy figure they have in mind.
