PEOPLE NEED TO CHECK themselves and look seriously at what they’re doing, and where they’re going in life.
If more people did this, there would be less sadness and regret as they would make greater use of their opportunities, and would be less likely to waste their lives.
When I think of all the time and money I wasted, I know within myself that I could be better off today if I had stopped, taken stock of my life and planned what I wanted and how I would go about achieving it.
The one thing I regret most is chasing away the one woman who truly loved me.
I know now that she had my interest at heart, given all the advice she gave, all the things she said, and how she cared for me in her every way.
My problem back then was that I did not respect women. I saw them simply as sex objects – things to play with and then discard.
I took pride in having sex with women and then boasting about it.
I remember how my boys and I would sit down and talk about what we did to them, how we did it, and where; the positions we tried, how the women behaved and what they said, and all the other details.
For us it was a big joke. Women meant nothing to us whatsoever, and we didn’t care we were using them.
Then, perchance, I met this church girl who really liked me. She was really nice and decent; so decent that she would not give in to my advances – and absolutely nothing I did to get her into bed worked.
So after about three months of trying without luck, I told her I was finished.
And when she begged me not to leave her, I told her I was a man with needs and she was not fulfilling them, so I had to find someone who would.
You know, as much as she wanted me, she still would not give in even then.
Anyway, about two months after I ducked out, her father died and she was in real grief. She needed a shoulder to cry on and came running to me.
And I did what any disrespectful man would do in such circumstances – I comforted her and managed to get her into bed – and scored.
That was the first and last time I ever touched her. She told me off for taking advantage of her during that weak moment and never called me back until about six weeks later when she missed her period.
Scared, she went to the doctor and discovered she was pregnant.
She came over to my mother’s house, where I lived at the time, and told me I had to marry her because I was responsible. She told me if she began showing without marriage plans in place it would destroy her mother – and coming so soon after her father’s death – it might even kill her.
She was also scared about what her pastor and the other members of the church would say about her. For sure, they would stop her from teaching Sunday school and playing any role in the church – and the church was her life.
But I didn’t care about her. Though I admitted the child was mine because she was a virgin, there was no way I was going to marry her and take care of a child. That was out of the question.
That girl begged me and begged me to reconsider. She did not believe in abortion and said she would never be able to forgive herself for taking her child’s life.
She used to cry endlessly, hardly ate and began losing weight. She went from being a happy, pleasant-looking, full-sized woman, to a sad-faced, withdrawn individual. She was unhappy and looked every bit so.
It was after a long begging and crying session at my house that I told her to leave and never come back. She got so angry that she bounded on me, and I cuffed her a few times, some in her stomach.
She fell to the floor holding her belly, convulsing and crying out in pain. The end result of all of that was that she lost the baby.
Obviously, her mother found out then what was going on, and so too did the pastor and other members of the church.
Because everybody found out, it was like rubbing salt in a wound – she just could not handle the shame. She became so depressed that four days after leaving hospital she took an overdose of pills to kill herself. So she had to be back in the hospital. Then after that she had to see a psychiatrist.
It was only after she tried to kill herself that I realized how badly I really had messed up her life.
That she eventually recovered to make something of her life is really a credit to her. She pulled herself together, found somebody, got married and now has three children.
Me? I have two children from two women who would not let the children see me, and I have no real love in my life. I guess I deserve this.
