Wednesday, April 24, 2024

GAL FRIDAY: When atheists bare their sole


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I had a friend who was a polygnostic thespian. He gets stares wherever he goes, because of his histrionic behaviour – which, perhaps, is a result of his history at Carnegie Drama School. Although he claims not to believe in a higher being, his favourite expression is “Divine!” This leads me to atheists. My neighbour Cathy doesn’t believe in God; she denies a supreme existence.

On Tuesday night I saw her coming in with a gentleman. Moments later, Cathy – my atheist acquaintance – was bawling to high heavens. “Oh God!” I could hear her shout repeatedly and in quick succession.

I saw her yesterday and dubiously inquired if everything was alright on the said night. Straight-facedly, she professed that she had ruined her shoe. While going up the stairs, the space between the tip and the sole allegedly ripped on a nail. Now, I know Cathy is not only an atheist, but she is a fastidious female – what we may call a “neat freak”. She would never enter the house without taking off her shoes. So (tell me if you like my response) I said, “Cuhdear, Cathy – of what benefit is it to gain the whole world and lose your own sole?”

“What foolishness you talking, Veoma?” I could tell she was getting a bit peeved, so I quickly told her that that was what Mark says. Slanting her eyes and looking at me, she asked what I knew about Mark. Now, you and I know that the “Mark” I referred to is the one in the Good Book. Apparently, she didn’t catch my joke and was trying to interrogate me about her new male friend, whose name happened to be “Mark” as well. Atheist, with Christian-named bedfellow. I just had to love the whole scenario!

Moving away – far, far away – let’s talk about church. I thought Andrea Blades was going to choke on her golden apple juice when she told me about Q In The Community. Between gasps and laughs, she said that the folks from the team went to the Big Apple to the “Episodical Church” in Brooklyn. This is what she revealed the organiser proclaimed on national television. In hilarium, and with the juice spewing forth from her nostrils, she was definitely having an episode.

But before I go, let me tell you about a banking episode I had on Monday. The queue was long and the faces were sour. I was going to handle a pecuniary matter for a prosperous pal. So, I joined the Gold Card holders line. Well, reader, I never see ting so! A woman started, “Wait! She ain’t know we here first!?!” Grumbling and mumbling continued for a while. Thankfully, the transaction transpired quickly. I swiftly walked towards the door, but failed to escape more ire. “That is why we so! But my God is good, my God is good!”

I discerned from her remarks that she’s not an atheist. Her friend, who was sitting, shouted, “Mary, hush now!” Mother of God, what an experience!

• Veoma Ali is an author, actor, broadcaster, advertising exec and, most important, a karaoke lover.


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