Dear Readers,
Please note that Dear Christine this week will consist of a letter which will be published in a four-part series.
Be sure to read each issue of the newspaper for the complete letter, which is filled with sound advice, especially for women. Today, I bring you Part 1.
Dear Christine,
Many women write to you desperately trying to hold on to their asinine boyfriends, which empowers these men to issue ridiculous ultimatums. Kindly allow me to offer some insight and advice from my experience.
Ladies, first things first; find out who you are, what you want from life and always do what’s best for you. Get some standards and convictions and stick to them no matter what. When the sweet talk and empty promises end and the material things wear out and fade, all that’s left will be who you are and what you stand for.
This is painful to hear, but it is better to be alone than be in the wrong company. You can be alone without feeling lonely.
I used to hate having no one to share special moments with and coming home to an empty apartment, but after the hell my ex-boyfriends put me through, that empty apartment became my fortress of solace.
Stop tying your identity and happiness to being in a relationship. Instead, focus on nurturing a healthy self-esteem and do not trade it for anything.
A man once said: “If a man wants you, nothing will stop him, but if he wants to leave, nothing will make him stay.”
He’ll give ultimatums but he will leave. When he does, he’ll leave with a part of you. You’ll be left with a huge, aching void which you’ll desperately try to fill with more empty things, like another man, who’ll do the same thing. Or, to fill the emptiness, you’ll try to keep your man, saying you “love” him, when really, it’s that he has a part of you that you want fulfilled. And so the vicious cycle begins.
Stop! Stop! Many men are like sharks. They can smell blood in the water. No matter how you dress up your insecurities and weaknesses, they can spot them a mile away and will use them against you. Go into relationships happy and whole, not looking for a man to “complete” you. He who “completes” you can break you.
Secondly, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man (that’s the title of Steve Harvey’s book). If only I had applied some of the advice in it.
How do men think? Experience has taught me that they always put themselves first and do what’s best for them.
They stand up for each other and never give up their dreams. Men are driven by ego; women are driven by emotion. We need to stop this. We need to enter relationships with our heads first, hearts after. Whoever told us, ladies, that it’s our job to make all the sacrifices and compromises? Whoever told us it’s our job to accept less than what we give and tolerate mediocrity? Whoever told us these things and why have we accepted them? Men certainly wouldn’t.
Thirdly, go through the “hiring process” when establishing a relationship.
When I heard this, I instinctively said: “No! That’s not right. Matters of the heart shouldn’t be treated like that.” However, it makes perfect sense.
In the job world, there’s an interview, a probation period, hiring and, if necessary, firing.
The interview is the initial approach. Men have approached me with no shirt, no shoes on and/or poor hygiene. Others like me “real bad” but don’t even know my name yet. Some cannot put a proper sentence together. A few listed off everything they would love to do to my body and the rest never even bothered to look me in the eye because their eyes were fixed on my chest.
One man approached me with a snack box in hand. He had just taken a big bite of chicken and as he was asking for my number, the chicken was rolling around in his wide open mouth. They all got an “EF” for epic fail.
– A.C.
Dear A.C.,
To say that your advice is sound and timely is tantamount to an understatement.
It is also very long, but I am willing, for the first time since this column started 40 years ago, to make an exception to the rule and print your letter in a series.
I hope women and men alike will pay close attention to the advice being given.
– CHRISTINE
Part 2 of A.C.’s letter will be carried tomorrow.