WE TEACH ALL sorts of things at secondary school, but overlook some of the simple things which could make life easier for young people as they face the real world, filled with loving decent people as well as those who are criminal-minded and bent on creating havoc in other people’s lives.
We need to help guide young boys and girls to avoid certain pitfalls and not assume that everyone will be strong in dealing with the issues they must confront or that they will have the necessary guidance at home to help them walk the straight and narrow path or just make the correct decisions.
At age 21 I got fed up with my parents who were telling me what to do, when to come and where to go. I had by that age been in my final year of studies at university and had fallen in love with a guy a few years older who seemed the world to me.
He was not a student, but an entrepreneur trying to develop a business. After a series of disagreements with my parents who objected to him, I moved out of their home and shared a house with him.
I absolutely cut off my family and enjoyed a number of months living with him. It was not what I expected but I was willing to give it a try. I became pregnant and he soon became rather agitated and annoyed. He had already had two children from different relationships and said he did not want another at this stage.
He asked me to leave and I had no option but to return to my parents. It was a disaster as I had to depend on the same people whom I had abandoned. I felt hopeless. I never had the baby and was eventually able to turn my life around.
Debt collectors
Years later I was glad I did not get into the relationships. I found debt collectors calling me for unpaid bills, ranging from the rent for the house to two loans I foolishly and unwittingly co-signed.
But unfortunately, my situation was not unique as I would hear similar stories while at work or doing a course or simply hanging out with close female friends. It is clear that in getting into the courtship game, dating is a component that is critical in determining compatibility.
Based on that absolutely disastrous relationship and two other subsequent experiences, I am now convinced that from secondary school age, girls and boys, even if at different ages, should be guided on what to do, what to look forward to, what to avoid, and how to ensure your life does not go in the wrong direction.
In that relationship I had while at university I came to recognise that being disrespectful and rude is one thing you should never tolerate.
This man encouraged me to go against all the norms, rules and good manners I was taught. My parents did not sit down and read The Bible with me, but they certainly instilled the maxim that good manners do make a good man or woman.
By violating my parents’ rules and their home, I would have suffered the consequences. He insisted that he sleep over at my parents’ house, knowing that they objected to any such action. He would normally leave the house by 11 p.m. but on two occasions when they went to bed he slept over.
On the first occasion he left around 5 a.m. before they got up and said with a smile. Those jokers are living in the past.”
On the second occasion he insisted that I not close the bedroom door but for some reason my parents got up early and saw him there. They asked him to leave and it created a scene.
That is when he told me a few days later that at my age I was a woman so pack a few things and move in with him. I foolishly listened to him and did as he suggested.
It haunts me to this day and is a dark secret I tell no one.
A number of my friends, whenever they discuss similar situations, always describe the girls in these situations as foolish. I can only hold my head in shame even though they may not know I was such an active participant in this wild behaviour.
Learning the hard way
My parents never told me a lot of things. I ended up learning the hard way. A number of my friends have the same lament. Yes, our parents are good people with the best of intentions for us. But they simply did not or could not do everything, especially for teenagers and those just out of that age group who are attracted to boys, easily misled and even willing to experiment in a whole new world to them.
At school I listened to my teachers and followed their guidance. I believed the same applied to most of my friends. So if we had had the counselling and guidance at school the mistake I, and I am certain, others made would have easily been avoided.
Admittedly, it is not only about sexual encounters that I have serious concerns, but a range of issues which I have come to observe.
Some men feel that once you have agreed to go on a date with them that is an agreement that you want to go back to their apartment, house or even in their car to have sex with them.
Dos and don’ts
It is clearly important for people going on a date to set out the dos and don’ts up front. The situation is so bad that a friend told me another female friend invited her to dinner and then to her house to see some new clothing and accessories she had bought overseas only to end up trying to make passes at her.
Then there are issues which sometimes are not emphasised at home but make all the difference in relationships and in life in general.
Some people talk too much about themselves and how good they are; about their ex and how bad she was; are extremely aloof; do not respect time so being late to arrive and overstaying their time are issues.
While money is not something many have to splash around and spend freely, being extremely cheap is certainly not a good sign in a partner.
There are many things for which we are ill-equipped and unprepared when stepping out into the world.
I must confess that it is not an easy job in preparing young people for the challenges ahead, but it is something parent must make a determined effort to do and counsellors at schools, the Barbados Community College, Samuel Jackson Prescod Polytechnic, Erdiston Teachers College, Regional Police Training College, Codrington College and UWI must also address even if via two or three seminars annually.
We need to give our youth the very best guidance.
