Dear Christine,
I’D LIKE TO share a situation with which a friend of mine is dealing. She has refused to write to you as I suggested to her, and so I am doing so on her behalf. Please do not call me snoopy. It’s just that I need to know what she should do in her best interest.
My friend, whom I shall call Vickie, lost her husband of 30 years six months ago. She is still very much in her grieving stage. She and her late husband had three children together. These children are now 25, 27 and 29.
A few weeks ago, after returning from abroad where she spent a two-week vacation with family and friends, Vickie was more than surprised when a mixed-race, polite young woman turned up at her home and requested a meeting with her.
The 20-year-old, who said she was studying to become a graphic artist, claimed to be “the love child” of my friend’s late husband. She said her dad and mum met in England, where he lived for five years on a work contract. She is now on the island for a three-month stay and wants to get to know her dad’s “family” members.
Apparently, she was her mother’s only child. Her mother died five years ago and she now lives with an aunt.
She said her mum and dad worked with the same company. They had an affair and she was the result of it.
There was no denying the similarity between Vickie’s husband and the young woman (whom I also got to meet). As if to drive home the truth, she brought a photo of herself as a three-year-old with her Caucasian mother and my friend’s husband.
While the young woman did not ask for any of her father’s inheritance and nothing of her was mentioned in his will, she said her dad supported her on a monthly basis (up until the time of his death) and that he had set up a trust fund for her. She said she learned of his death by reading the newspaper online.
Vickie cannot understand how her husband could have hidden that truth from her for over 20 years. She is hurting badly even though she has accepted this woman as her husband’s daughter. However, she is wondering what role she must now play and how to break this news to her children, her family and her late husband’s family, including his 82-year-old mother.
She is also wondering if she should financially assist this young woman. Vickie’s husband was a very successful man with great wealth.
Please tell me what to do, or rather, how Vickie should proceed from here on.
– Friend
Dear Friend,
First, Vicki can speak with her attorney and follow the advice he or she gives. I do not believe the young woman is seeking to acquire anything from your friend’s hand, but everything seems to point to the fact that she is the sister of Vickie’s three children. If Vickie wants absolute proof, she can go the route of having a DNA test done.
As far as introducing her to other family members is concerned, I see no harm whatsoever in doing so, once the truth is verified. A family gathering would be the best place.
Your friend should not resent or harbour any ill feelings towards this young woman, who did not ask to be born. It also makes no sense hating or having any negative feelings against her late husband, who cannot explain his past actions.
It is quite clear to me that he wanted to save his family any unnecessary stress, embarrassment or strain and even though he was unfaithful to Vickie, he also knew he had a responsibility to this child and her mother.
I say embrace this young woman, even though it may not be easy – at first.
– CHRISTINE