IT SEEMS THE hardest thing in life is to find someone who is honest and caring. I have three girlfriends and each feels the same way.
Like me, they can’t find a good man – someone who cares about you and respects you for who you are; who tries to understand you; who is not a cheater; and who is willing to commit to a life together.
I am so sick and tired of men who are just interested in liming, partying and sex. For them, that is what life is.
That is why I am 38, single, childless and alone. I have no more desire to just go out with a good-looking man to say I have someone to take me places and exchange body fluids with them. That is foolishness; I am past that.
To be truthful, my greatest need is to be understood and appreciated. I don’t need anything else but it seems impossible to get that right now.
That’s why I am alone and intend to stay unattached until I am sure that the person I am seeing feels the same way about me as I do about him.
Genuine sensitivity
The problem is, how do you ever know that someone really cares for you? This is why I am writing this confession. I want to share an experience I went through that made me realise how you can easily mistake a man’s genuine sensitivity and true friendship as him wanting a relationship with you. That happened to me.
First, let me say I do not blame him for what happened between us. I did at first because I was hurt and disappointed. But over the months, as I thought about our relationship, I realised I failed to grasp that he just wanted a friend and confidant, but not a female partner.
This is what I mean. Let’s call him ‘A’. He and I met professionally and immediately hit it off. Apart from being pleasant on the eye and a neat dresser, intellectually the man has got it. I could talk about literature, history and politics and he could match me. I no longer felt like a nerd.
So many times I’ve been out with guys and as soon as you start talking something of substance, they seem clueless. For them it was football, basketball or some other sport, music and fashion. They had little or no view on anything of national consequence.
On the other hand, A had an opinion on everything – just like me. And even when we disagreed, we respected each other’s viewpoint.
This apart, A was recovering from a failed relationship, just like me, and was not in a hurry to rush into another union.
Of course, he never said who the person was, but, quite frankly, I was happy that she had broken his heart as I had every intention of mending him and making him mine.
That’s why I said what happened between us was my fault. I saw a man I thought deserved me and set my sights on getting him.
As we became closer and began spending more and more time together, he used to let me know whatever he was doing, where he was going and who he would be with. And when I checked him, he was always where he said he would be.
Another man
The thing was, he was always in the company of another man – never with a woman – but I never realised there was a reason for that.
I came to adore him so much that I wanted us to be intimate. But even when I engineered situations so that I would come on to him, he would only peck me on the cheek, tell me to let’s take it slow, and cuddle me instead.
That was a major turn-on for me. I felt he wanted to be sure about me and was not prepared to rush it. That disappointed me somewhat as I knew he was the one, but I respected his caution as it was clear he did not want to be hurt again – or so I thought.
Why he was so hesitant was revealed when I asked him to shave me. At first he stared at me in disbelief. But as I insisted, he did it very gently.
Intimate moment
I expected when he was finished that he would go further, but he didn’t. That baffled me. I looked great and few men could resist taking advantage of such an intimate moment.
As he continued to resist I produced a package of condoms. Now he had no excuse.
He just looked at me and apologised. He said he really loved me like a sister, not a lover. I told him that was perfect as he would treat me even better and we would forever be happy.
That’s when A told me bluntly he could not touch me as he was not attracted to me sexually.
At first I did not understand. I kept asking him if I wasn’t his type how he could have spent so many intimate moments together. I concluded he was just fooling me.
He just kept repeatedly saying I didn’t understand and that he was sorry. He swore he loved me as a sister and wanted us to be close, but could not be intimate with me.
I was totally confused. I asked him if something was wrong with him physically or if he had a disease. He said no.
That’s when it clicked. He was gay.
I asked him and he said yes, then burst into tears.
I kicked him out of my house, all the while cussing him.
For weeks I was so angry at him; then for more weeks I was angry at myself for not seeing A for who he really was. I kept asking myself how I could be so blind.
Now I am over that. I realise our friendship was special to him and it was I who blew it.
