DEAR CHRISTINE, I have written to you before but I really need your help.
I have made some bad choices in men and financially now I am in debt. This is causing my child to suffer. I chose the wrong path in life and now all I have is anger and bitterness.
I do work and make just enough money to pay the rent. I have resorted to being abusive verbally, physically and emotionally towards my child whenever the stress of life comes on me.
Now my child thinks I don’t love him and believes he is the cause of my stress. I can’t show him motherly love because his father left me when the child was in my belly. I am now married to a man who does not love me and whose life evolves around his child’s mother. Unloved
I am not a professional woman – I can barely express myself in speech or in writing – so you see sometimes I ask God why am I so unloved. Now at this stage in my life I can’t start over, nor will I accomplish anything in life.
How then can I give my child love when I cannot give him a bedroom for himself or lunch money each day for school? I also cannot afford things for school sometimes.
At my stage, why is it that I want to take my life because men fail me, family abandon me and strangers judge me?
I have my child – the only person who loves me – but yet I feel alone, depressed and worthless. I hate it when I take out my problem on the child and he says he is sorry for being born. That hurts me because I do love him, but the issues of life now consume me.
I consider I am a bad mother for choosing to worry about my husband who cares less for me than my poor child who is suffering silently. I chose my husband to help me out of the struggle as a single mother but now I am worse off than I was.
I don’t know what a happy life is anymore or what will become of me.
I tried to take my life at 14. Now at 22 years, it’s the only option I have because I wasted my time here on earth. I will never be anything. My child father had told me that he wished the baby would come out foot first and kill me and that I would never be somebody.
Depressed
Even though I am depressed, my child still shows me love. It hurts me because I messed up everything and I cannot even think when I am at work. Everyone’s life is so good and I am just sad. I want to go to counselling. I called a few places but I cannot afford to pay.
Can you please recommend somewhere that I can go, please? I do not want to go to the church near me because I don’t want to feel uncomfortable.
I would like to write much more, but it will take up lots of space.
Please forgive me and please help me for my child’s sake. He is doing well in school even though he does without a lot, and puts up with me as a mother. I don’t like to feel pity for myself. It makes me bitter.
– S
Dear S,
My first advice to you is to stop abusing your son. What you are doing to that young boy will eventually take a toll on him when he is much older.
I’ve read your letter over and over again and from what I can see, your greatest need is for someone to counsel you. If there are no pastors who you can turn you, I recommend that you call The Samaritans at438-8884.
There is always someone at the end of the line waiting to listen and talk to you.
If you need further help, I suggest you write again giving your full name and a contact number if possible.
– CHRISTINE
