“The heart of marriage is its communication system. It can be said that the success and happiness of any married pair is measurable in terms of the deepening dialogue which characterises their union.” – Dwight Hervey Small
The world seemed to have stood still on November 22, 1963, the day that 46-year-old John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States, was fatally shot by a sniper. I remember that day as if it were yesterday.
That early afternoon turned dark and gloomy as if nature had bowed its head and began to weep with the world for a man who, from all signs, may have been a great world changer on many fronts; but he was gone. Lurking in the shadows away from the eyes of the Secret Service personnel was a man who took careful aim and pulled the trigger on that memorable day.
The death of this well loved US president caused me to think of many relationships, including marriage unions, that started out very well, but were fatally “shot” by one of several known “subtle snipers” that continue to prowl in the dark corners of society. The goal of these “subtle snipers” is to aim and fire at the home, which is the most important relationship in society, and create serious damage to the social, mental, emotional, physical, economic and spiritual fabric of communities.
If the home collapses and suffers severe impairment, the foundation of the whole society will be seriously compromised.
Over the next few weeks I shall be scrutinising some of these snipers and see how every home can seek to detect and avoid their deadly bullets. Today I want to examine the cellphone sniper. The World Book Dictionary describes a sniper as “a hidden sharpshooter”.
Within the last five years I have seen a growing increase in family friction and marital separations as a result of spouses placing their marriages within the firing line of one of the potentially deadly snipers, the cellphone. A billboard advertisement for a wireless cellular phone summed up the intention of this sniper this way: “Let your home know where your heart is.”
The cellphone sniper aims at disabling face-to-face communication in marriage. Effective communication is considered one of the most important ingredients in marriage as it greatly influences the interpersonal relationship between the husband and wife.
Embedded in communication is the element of trust and sensitivity to the needs of the other person. When meaningful communication breaks down, the marriage is heading for catastrophe. On the other hand, when purposeful communication takes place, the marriage can experience some of its greatest joys.
The cellphone sniper is smart (no pun intended) and has a way of sneaking up on one or both spouses, offering quick and varied means of reaching out to strangers; encouraging prolonged intimate conversations with friends and foreigners, while subtly positioning their marriage for the kill.
In a previous article Smart Or Outsmart, I said that the cellphone is a great tool and can be used from a distance to send positive messages to one’s spouse. However, the problem comes when the phone becomes a distraction and wedge in the relationship.
I know of examples where this sniper is escorted into the bedroom and is given the opportunity to take a close range shot at the marriage while the couple is in each other’s arms. A loud and sudden distraction would present itself, as the cellphone screams out for attention and unfortunately the spouse would stop the intimate flow to give attention to this interruption.
I would suggest that as a spouse you should not allow the cellphone to be given any space to interfere in your bedroom business. Don’t even silence it; turn it off.
I have seen instances where this fully loaded sniper is given a prominent place at the dinner table. While couples are sitting either waiting for or eating the meal, one spouse may be in deep conversation with some outsider on the phone while the other spouse may quietly sit feeling neglected and resentful.
I have made it a habit to give no opportunity to my cellphone to believe that it has a right to take a shot at my wife and me, while we are at lunch or dinner. I will put it out of sight and out of mind. Those intimate moments are for us to share cherished, uninterrupted, precious hours together.
I am aware of instances where husbands as well as wives have smashed up the other spouse’s expensive cellphone because it was being used to replace face-to-face communication with each other. Sometimes it is infidelity issues; other times it is the habitual use of text messaging, Skype, Facebook, WhatsApp, Messenger, Twitter, FaceTime and other forms of communication, most of which add absolutely no currency to the marriage.
The “hidden sharpshooter” often entices spouses to use these often emotionally detached external linkages to set up the marriage for the kill. The strategy is to target effective communication, which is the nerve centre of the marriage and slowly and sometimes swiftly cripple its ability to function.
Years ago, a husband spoke to me and said he was so paralysed by the power of his cellphone that it began to seriously affect the once excellent face-to-face conversation he had with his then distraught wife, who was threatening to leave the relationship. His marriage began to get back its lustre and life when he made a decision to spend more time talking with his wife and not with strangers.
Be vigilant and watch out for the “subtle snipers”. Never expose your marriage to their deadly “shots”.
• Reverend Haynesley Griffith is marriage and family life consultant.