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If prison without hard labour is our only punishment and it is deterring no one, then we must return to effective deterrents.
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Sometime after Darwin Dottin became Commissioner of Police, he phoned: could he come down and chat with me? This is par for the course when you are a lowdown columnist pontificating on subjects of which you know little or nothing.
A sexy young Japanese female, her Pakistani equivalent, an American Indian, a Muslim Nigerian sheikh who had recently witnessed a couple stoned to death in Saudi Arabia for doing it – they all come to tap the expert ease of this Fontaine whose fabulous fables never let truth get in the way of a good story.
Of course, I can’t reveal details of any consultancy between a Commissioner of Police and the so-called Mayor of Morgan Lewis. Suffice it to say we got a Handel on many topics. Hallelu, Jah! So I’m impressed Mia would ask Darwin to evolve a strategy on crime for AG Dale.
But two questions come to mind: first, if Darwin knows more about the job than Dale, why not make him minister and let Dale cool his heels playing noughts and crosses with Bishop Ath? After all, could anyone think that a minister walking around town surrounded by police and army personnel would scare criminals into going to church?
Secondly, instead of spending $21 million on (I’m being honest here) largely unimpressive consultants, why not make me consultant general at no cost? I mean, the much-touted BERT boys’ strategy of not paying debts, dipping into people’s savings, sending home thousands, getting prop-up cash from the IMF, taxing the botsey out of fuel may look good to some, but is doing precious little for producing to pay our creditors and move forward.
Surely Mia realises that when three monkeys climb a light pole and literally attempt to seize power, it’s because they see others doing the same? When children every day look at the Nation or the TV news and see young men in handcuffs grinning and giving high fives, will they not ask their parents to cuff them and let them share the experience?
My strategy is simple: we cannot be bound by foolish rules. It’s time to get serious and the gloves must come off.
If prison without hard labour is our only punishment and it is deterring no one, then we must return to effective deterrents. (Ask Singapore for advice here.) What is the point of concurrent sentences except to encourage the criminal to commit as many crimes as possible before he is caught? When you set free accused murderers, assaulters and kidnappers on bail, who is going to give evidence against them? And how does, say, an elderly person locked in a car trunk at gunpoint feel to know she could come face to face with her alleged attacker in a supermarket aisle a few days later?
Next topic: vermins. Rats abound when humans are dirty. They don’t come into schools to read books. Cow itch abounds when sugar cane fields aren’t planted and maintained. But the Blackman and Gollop teachers had a golden opportunity to teach their pupils to handle problems. Pick cow itch before the seeds mature, no sweat.
(That goes for most other problems.) But when a nearby cow itch patch was tormenting my daughter at a rented house in St George, I put on old clothes, picked and burnt it. You don’t need ministers and meetings.
Monkeys and Sargassum later.
Stray dogs are terrorising small farmers in my area. Killed one of my best female goats while she was kidding on Monday night. Traps are a waste of time in this situation. The only answer is for Animal Control to post notices in affected areas that baiting is in progress and do it.
I’m a dog lover. But imagine the torment of an animal having her babies, unable to move and being literally eaten alive from the rear.
Last topic for now: satellites of none. If Joe Root had said, “In our white European culture, there’s nothing wrong with being gay”, no problem. But just as he would not have told Muslim Pakistanis “there’s nothing wrong with eating pork”, don’t come dictating right and wrong to us.
My phone number in the book, Mia.
Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator.
Email [email protected].
