Marriages in Barbados seem to be falling apart at an alarming rate. But don’t take our word for it, just look at the statistics
.For marriages lasting up to five years, the divorce rate is 24 per cent and if you go up to 10 years, the divorce rate is 47 per cent.
While those statistics may be alarming, Rev. Haynesley Griffith, CEO of Family Heartbeat Ministries says he is not surprised. The fairytale premise of “happily ever after” is just that – a fairytale.
So what exactly is going wrong after couples say ‘I do’?
“Marriage has become very fashionable and I can’t ignore the influence of North America,” says Griffith. “You meet somebody today and next week you’re married. There’s no longer the courtship thing where you get to know the person and get to know their character.”
Along with the lack of dating, there is also the sense that people are basically unprepared for marriage and at the first challenge, people are ready to call it quits.
“I think that people prepare more for the wedding day than for the marriage,” Griffith says. “What I have been seeing is a number of people who have not had adequate preparation for marriage in terms of premarital counselling.
“Preparation in terms of common sense where they don’t have enough exposure to life issues where they can bring into the marriage to add value to it. It’s not about book education, but life skills in terms of understanding.”
Another big problem in marriage, according to Griffith relates to love and intimacy.
“Some people are not able to give love or receive it,” he adds. “They can’t give it because they’ve never received it. You go into marriage with that emotional imbalance hoping that the other person will prop you up.”
The lack of proper role models with many couples is also a big problem. Many people getting married are coming out of fractured homes, seeing relationships torn apart by infidelity, but yet expect to carry those same behaviours into their own unions.
“By not having proper models in childhood, some people come into marriage with a blurred view of marriage,” Griffith says. “Blurred from the standpoint where they see a model which is not the ideal.They operate on a level where they are not showing the kind of trust, especially in terms of infidelity so they don’t see anything wrong with that behaviour. That kind of warped concept is created within the home and they see that model and follow through on that.”
But Griffith says that one of the biggest problems with Barbadian marriages is the interference of family, particularly the mothers.
“Some women and young men are not disconnected from their parents psychologically. Women run home at the first sign of trouble and men are stopping by their mothers to eat,” Griffith said. “On the other hand, the young women if she’s a main contributor to the home, some mothers have challenges with that. Some girls are so closely bonded to their mothers they also feel a sense of obligation to the mother at the expense of the husband and family. That understanding of leaving and cleaving has not been strongly embraced.”
The problem with creating your own family is stifled when you still have ties, financial or otherwise to those outside your marriage.
Griffith feels this bond is especially true as it relates to mothers and sons.
“Mothers especially when it comes to sons or if the son is an only son or first born, or the only provider in the home, mothers have a hard time letting him go. These people see their children as investments to be with them for as long as they live,” he adds.
“I’ve seen too many marriages go on the rocks because of in-law interference. I’m not sure many mothers are willing to admit that it’s an issue.”
