The young Frederick Smith first set eyes on Lois Douglas, an attractive Jamaican medical student, at Christmas 1950 when she walked into a party at the house he shared with other West Indian students.
Love at first sight? “Well, more or less,” Sir Frederick surmises as he talks about the ensuing 53 years during which their lives and love have matured into an enduring commitment.
Discussing their long marriage with Easy Magazine, Sir Frederick explained: “Love is always the foundation. Love does not always stay the same. It does not stay the same fervent and ardent love of a honeymooner and after a period of time, you still love each other but it changes in character, it changes in intensity.”
He readily admits theirs is “a marriage of opposites”.
“She is concerned about money and how I spend it. What I like about her is she has saved me a lot of money . . . . Now I can touch a dollar, I am ready to spend it and buy something, but she deals with that and she tells me be careful with how you spend this. She controls me in my spending, in my extravagance, and she does not bear any malice at all.”
He insists love has been the force keeping them together. Going hand in hand with that is fidelity.
“If you have an outside woman or she has an outside man, it breaks up, so loyalty to each other is a basic qualification for a lasting marriage. You don’t say you are going to see the boys when you are going to see another woman. So fidelity, loyalty, trust, confidence, truth are basic qualifications for a solid marriage.
“You have taken a vow before God – ‘till death do us part’- and you are prepared to honour that vow come what may, and life continues. And once you have the basis, you pray to Him and ask Him for guidance and when you have problems you ask Him to intervene. He has to be the centre of your marriage.”
Sir Frederick also maintains: “First thing must be love. You fall in love and you keep communications going. It changes from the hot love of the honeymoon and then you sit down and discuss problems and you keep communication going, which is very important.”
Lady Smith, a retired doctor and health care facility administrator, was determined that she was not going to be just a housewife when she got married but would pursue the profession for which she had studied so many long years, though most cognisant of her responsibility and role as wife and mother.
“I am not a talker. I do things and keep the family and everything together, so there has certainly been a lot of tolerance,” she says emphatically.
She was attracted to this man because “I thought he was a sensible person who was not young and flighty and was pretty stable”.
And Sir Frederick conceded: “You have a quarrel sometimes. Two intelligent people cannot agree on everything.”
He had definite ideas though about certain ground rules for the relationship.
“You don’t leave a note saying your food is on the stove . . . you don’t leave messages with the children for mummy. You just keep that communication going and discuss problems. Of course you don’t always agree and of course making up is always the best part of it. You let nothing stay in your head. It passes through one ear and goes out the other and if it is really serious, you get in your car, go around the block, come back home and you are finished with that.”
And he cautioned:?“I want some people to understand that after a period of time in a marriage, sex is totally unimportant. You have it, you enjoy it, but it is not the basis of the relationship. Even if you are 80, it is not unimportant but it is not the primary aspect of your relationship.”
He regards the cruises they have shared over the years as “the most romantic incidents in the whole relationship.”
What does he like best about the woman with whom he has spent the greater part of his life??“She is forgiving. She will flare up and the next moment you would not think anything has happened. She is understanding.”
For Lady Smith, the good memories of five decades are so many, she hesitates to name the most romantic thing her husband has ever done for her. Delving into her memories, she breaks into laughter, reasoning that with so many acts of romanticism in 53 years, she cannot put her finger on a single one but says the many times he has taken her out to dinner were romantic occasions.
“I guess the nicest thing he ever did was to send for me to come out and visit Barbados in 1954” – that was after a five-year separation during their courtship.
Lady Smith advises couples hoping for a long marriage to exercise tolerance and patience, bearing in mind “no two people are alike. To live together for all that time you have to give and take. Sometimes you give more than you take and sometimes you take more than you give.”
