Dear Christine, I hope my letter finds you in good health and that you will keep up the good work.
I have been married for the past year, and after tolerating a number of things in my marriage, I have decided to open up. Perhaps by so doing I will be able to help individuals who are going through a similar situation.
My problem involves a woman and her daughter. My husband and this woman were friends for many years before I met him. In fact, they used to share a house together. The woman is now married, but she and her daughter seem to believe they have been given the authority to plan my life and my husband’s life.
From the first day we announced we were going to get married, they started planning our wedding. Since they are my husband’s friends, I readily accepted them into my life, but now I have serious regrets about doing so.
While we were making wedding plans, she would constantly “butt in”, telling us what to do, where we should honeymoon and even how long we should stay on our honeymoon.
That’s not the only thing. She also planned a trip with her daughter (who by the way is an adult) around the same time of our honeymoon, so we could all be together.
My husband is 56 and I am 48 years old. We don’t need anyone to plan our lives. However, my husband is the quiet type and would never do anything to hurt or offend anybody.
He has never spoken to his friend about her behaviour. It is true that he has known her, her daughter and her parents for the past 30 years, but that does not give them the green light to control our lives.
My husband even went along with a suggestion they made to plan a Christmas party as a surprise for me.
Of course, she invited her friends and family members, and some of my extended family members knew nothing about the party. She also wanted to plan an Old Year’s Night affair and I had to say enough is enough.
She got angry with me and decided to keep her distance. We do not speak like before, but she has developed the habit of calling my home asking to speak to my husband. She never asks how I am doing or forms a conversation with me.
When I noticed this trend, I decided not to answer the telephone when she calls. Now, she has resorted to leaving messages on the answering machine for my husband to get in contact with her. The audacity of this woman!
I have reached the point where I am willing to delete every message she leaves, as well as to have it out with my husband, who still refuses to talk to this woman.
I have tried in the best of ways to tell her to leave us alone, but my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.
My only solution is to leave my husband.
I love him, but I am not prepared to play second fiddle.
He seems to be more concerned about not hurting these so-called friends, than he is concerned about me.
Please share your thoughts. – C
Dear C, you have every right to be upset.
When you and your husband got married, I am sure there was a line in your marriage vows which stated “. . . and forsaking all others”.
I take it that your husband does not understand what this means.
Perhaps he has been so accustomed to this woman and her family, that he is blinded to what his priorities should be now he is married.
You have to talk to him and let him know you are unhappy about the way things are.
It is your husband who must lay down the rules, and let this woman and her family know that your happiness is of utmost importance to him.
I see no need to get out of the marriage, but clearly your husband needs to put some boundary lines in place.
If the situation is too much for him to handle, both of you should talk to a counsellor or the priest before whom you said your marriage vows, and perhaps ask him to address all those involved in this situation. – CHRISTINE