When parents decide to divorce, it can present some monumental challenges in the lives of children regardless of their ages.
The world and environment that the child has grown accustomed to have been forever altered, and the ramifications for that child and the parents can have ripple effects that last for years.
“Children go through a lot of grieving because it is a loss and their acting out might be as a result that they’ve lost a parent,” says local mental health therapist Cherith Pedersen. “It also has to do with how well the parents handle the transition to living separate lives and keeping the child in a stable routine.”
Children need routine, consistency and security to thrive. They also need to know that adults can take care of them and provide a safe environment. When that changes a child is left feeling, unsettled and very insecure.
It isn’t just that the family environment that the child has grown up in that has been altered, and now they have to adjust to going back and forth between two households; it is also the daily absence of one parent and the sense of loss that the children will go through.
“Many parents are not aware of the effects that divorce will ultimately have on children. Many of them are so occupied with getting at each other’s throats that they lose sight of those precious gifts that God has given to them,” says Haynesley Griffith, CEO of Family Heartbeat Ministries. “Very often the children are caught in the crossfire and parents lose sight of the emotional damage that is being done.”
Some of the emotional damage can affect the child’s behaviour at home and at school, especially if that child is being placed in the middle of the conflict between the parents. In some instances, one parent may unleash the hurts or problems of the relationship or the other parent in front of the child.
“It’s important that parents do not bad-mouth the other parent in front of the child,” Pedersen said. “That disrespect will eventually be turned on you by the same child.”
But parents should also be vigilant in monitoring any changes of behaviour in the child who is going through a parental divorce.
“Children can become aggressive or very compliant, and go into themselves,” Griffith says. “Children can displace their anger – where they can’t lash out at parents at home they may do that at school, especially those that are pre-teens.
How do parents know if a child is acting out?
“Acting out behaviours could be a child cursing a lot or being really rude, fighting or bullying others, or adopting aggressive behaviours,” Pedersen said. “You might speak to them and they start snapping at you.”
It’s important for parents to recognize that when children exhibit these behaviours that it’s often a cry for help.
“Most children are unable to process this because they don’t have what it takes to process adequately,” Griffith adds. “They come up against roadblocks and it pushes them beyond their coping mechanisms.
“Some of these children are able to bury that emotional pain and pursue academics or sports. So they close off those emotional valves and become excellent in what they do academically or in the area of sports. Now when they begin to form relationships, this is where that trap door opens and it explodes because the child gets flashbacks.”
Many experts agree that parents need to find a way to balance their new lives with maintaining a quality life and environment for their children.
“The problem is not the child; very often the problem is the home environment that is created by the parent that is causing the child to exhibit certain negative behaviours,” Griffith said. “If that child resembles the spouse that left, and he or she is living with the other parent, that child may end up getting the bitter end of the stick, if that parent has flashbacks.
“Parents need to spend quality time with the child and affirm that child, and the negative behaviours will have a tendency to die. Doing so will help to build that child’s self-esteem.”
Experts caution that parents have to be honest with themselves and their children.
“There has to be communication, and if you don’t establish good communication you can’t establish a plan for your child’s success in life,” Pedersen said. “The child has to be the focus; it can’t be about the baggage of the parents. You have to put your emotions aside. Keep any emotional charge out of your language when you’re speaking to each other.”
If the child is having a difficult time coping with the new arrangement, parents shouldn’t be afraid to seek professional counselling for the child or even as a unit, in order that all family members can get through the process.
“I think that parents can be proactive when you all decide to leave each other,” Pedersen said. “Give the child the opportunity to ask questions and reassure them that both parents will be there for them. Always try to check in with the child to hear their thoughts and let them express their feelings.”
