Dear Christine,
I have a friend who is involved with a man, who is an only-child. He is extremely close to his mother and their bond has developed ever since his father died when he was a boy. His mother dedicated her entire life to raising him and he proudly says he never saw her with any other man in all of the years since his father’s death.
So he believes in his mother. He thinks she is the purest person next to God, and though he is an intelligent man, whatever her views are matter more than any other point or analysis.
With such strong feelings for his mother, this man has not had any long-term or meaningful relationships with anyone, though he is in his late 30s.
Since my friend met him, she has been treated well. She keeps telling me that he is a decent, pleasant person and very attentive. She also met his mother and likes her because she has a real sense of humour.
Sometimes she even goes there on evenings to watch Days Of Our Lives before going home.
Though my friend is head over heels for this man and wants to have a child for him as he keeps asking her for this, I have a nagging feeling that what she is seeing from both of them is not genuine. I just can’t put my hands on it, but I feel that as this woman is getting old she wants to have a grandchild and the two of them are doing all they can to encourage my friend to produce one.
When she first told me about his request just after they were seeing each other for seven months, I told her if he loved and wanted her that much he should marry her. She asked him about this and about two months later he gave her an engagement ring.
He is saying that they can get married in 18 months as he would need that time to get everything in place in order to get a house for them to live together, as he would not want to live with his wife in his mother’s house.
This has convinced my friend that her man is genuine and really wants her, so she is now off the pill and working at becoming pregnant.
I though am not so convinced that he is what he is projecting himself to be. What do you think?
– GK
Dear GK,
Your concern for your friend is admirable, but your pessimism may sow seeds of doubt and make her apprehensive about her relationship with this man when there may not be any legitimate reason for this.
You could be correct in suggesting that he is in a hurry for a child so his aging mother can have a granchild while she still has the strength and energy to deal with one. Given the closeness you described between him and his mum, that is a distinct possibility.
But even if this is the case, that does not mean he does not love and care for your friend. He is engaged to her and planning to marry her; so he has declared his intent.
GK, you need to realize that the relationship between mothers and their only son can be a very close and intense one. Sometimes it can prove so close that it contributes to some women walking away from boyfriends and husbands as they feel their mother-in-law has more say in the household, or their man listens more to his mum than to them.
That said, some would argue that the quality of a man can be measured by the bond he has with his mum. If it is a strong, caring and responsible one, that would indicate he is the type of guy who would treat a woman well, and is less likely to run around.
Based on what you have presented here, I would suggest that you give this man the benefit of the doubt and support your friend as much as you can. If you choose to note the things you have problems with – that he and his mother may say or do – so be it; but don’t burden your friend with this negativity. At this time your friend needs someone she can confide in.
So I encourage you to be her friend first, and keep your reservations to yourself.
– Christine
