’Tis election time. People advising me on what I should write ’bout, but I not foolish. Them same people got tonsils and can talk, especially if they have in a few shots o’ rum. Why wunnah want de Vendor to feel de froth and saliva from politicians?
Not Market Vendor; not a fella gine cuss me before elections, and iffing dem trouble de Vendor, I gine deal wid dem. I don’t sleep nor eat at no politician. Just de same, ah don’t want to be standing in a crowd and suddenly hear some fool cursing me. I playing bat and pad close together. I balancing like a trapeze artist.
Despite all de lotta talk ’bout keeping it clean, you know dat people does go to public meetings to hear some lashes getting pelt into the opponents’ backsides – dat is par fuh de course. So today we gine talk politics all right, but I sticking to some of de best jokes I ever hear from platforms.
Years ago in Trinidad an old time politician use to run a lumber yard and mill. He was street-smart, but not too much formal education. One night this Indo-Trini was holding forth, telling de people, “Is me, Harrilal. I give your mudder wood, I give your sister wood, I give your aunt wood.”
De crowd roaring as he continued ’bout all de families he help when somebody finally whisper“Harrilal, tell them you give them lumber, not wood!”
Still in TNT. Years ago down south, Laichan tell de crowd: “If you vote fuh me I will mek sure everybody eat bread, b-r-e-d,” De crowd shout, “Laichan, you leave out de a,” Laichan: “b-r-e-d-a.”
In Guyana, a flamboyant aspirant fuh de presidency went into a village with little or no electricity and promise de people “Bannos, if you give me your vote, ah will electrocute de whole village!” People weeping wid laughter to this day!
Some of the sweetest moments does come in de rural meetings when salt of de earth speakers does keep crowds entertained. I remember a fella in a rural parish who use to run election after election. He had about as much chance of winning de seat as de Vendor got of becoming Governor General, yet he would run time after time and provide plenty entertainment.
One night he claim that his opponent, who among his many accomplishments was a member of the Royal Air Force (RAF), was in fact not such at all. “Yes, he said he was in the RAF all right,” he say, “But all he used to do was wash down de planes. I got a picture of he wid a hose washing planes.” Normally you could only get such high-class entertainment from people like Mac Fingal.
Space limited but one of de finest ever was another fella from a rural Bajan parish who during an election campaign was graced one night by the sitting Prime Minister and in front of de hometown crowd wanted to raise a matter of concern.
Some water buffalo imported from Trinidad fuh a pilot project had apparently gotten away from time to time and caused damage to many small farmers’ crops. Addressing the PM directly, he said: “Sir, we need something done ’bout dis situation down here where a flock of buffalo causing havoc.” He kept repeating about dis “flock of buffalo” while someone pun de platform kept shouting out, “It is a herd, a herd!”
Eventually de frustrated speaker turned and shouted: “Man, I ain’t heard nothing – I saw it with my own two eyes, a whole flock of buffalo”.
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hearrr?
