Last WEEK Wednesday I attended a panel discussion hosted by the Family Life Commission themed: Communication In The Family: From Words To Fist. The question and answer segment was dominated by discussion on domestic abuse and violence and one member of the audience sought advice about bullying, since her son was a victim.
Before I start, let me declare that I do not support any form of domestic abuse or violence.
Concern 1
As a child growing up, I never heard the term domestic abuse used but as I got older, I realised it was simply “a man beating he woman”, which was commonplace. Inwardly, I knew something was wrong with it but whenever it occurred, it was seen in the community as something to joke about and brought great laughter when discussed under the street light or mango tree.
I believe we as a people are intensifying our response to domestic abuse because the joke has led and is leading to deaths. I could be wrong, but if there was no loss of life, I believe we would still be “making mock sport at the situation”, like it is something to laugh about.
During an audience member’s contribution, a comment was made with regard to a man having an outside woman but embarrassingly, the mature audience started to laugh and giggle. Now you may not understand why I had a problem with this, but there was a time when adultery and infidelity were seen as wrong and ungodly, but over time it became a societal norm to the point now where it is just a joke.
Concern 2
There are many campaigns against domestic abuse but most of them seem to focus on the physical aspect, of which most aggressors are guilty. I want to ask about the other types of abuse that we seem to have turned a blind eye to: emotional, psychological, verbal and financial abuse. The scars and damage from physical abuse over time will heal but these other forms can last almost a lifetime.
What about those aggressors who abuse their spouse through the use of mind games and manipulation? Many researchers found that one of the main purposes of domestic abuse and violence is to gain and maintain total control over an individual. If this is the case, then many women would be considered aggressors and be guilty of psychological and sexual abuse. It may seem funny, but women know they use their bodies to control men.
Concern 3
What about the children who continuously witness their parents and guardians physically and verbally abusing each other? Many times the scars that are left as a result of such abuse are unseen and tattooed on the hearts and minds of these children. Teachers, especially from the primary schools, can share many stories told to them by little ones about the abuse they witnessed.
It was painful to hear, while eating lunch with a senior student, that from second form every boyfriend she had would “beat she”. I asked if it occurred at home and she said yes. Her dad and mum separated because of the domestic abuse. Interestingly enough, her father beats his new partner and her mother’s new partner beats her.
Adults must understand that their actions have great effect on their children. For many male teenagers, beating your girlfriend is a norm and for the females, receiving a beating is acceptable. Is your child an aggressor or a victim?
Concern 4
I want to know if during investigations of domestic violence and abuse, provocation was one of the root causes? It’s common to hear a Bajan say: “This is my mout’ and I cuh suh wuh I want. You can’t hit me fuh my mout’.” Adults, especially women, need to understand that words have the ability to provoke a response, whether positive or negative. Sometimes it is wise to keep your mouth shut and not add fuel to the fire.
Let me leave this piece of advice with you. Because an individual is a pastor or a church leader doesn’t mean they are a counsellor or trained to deal with your situation.
• Corey Worrell is a former Commonwealth Youth Ambassador. Email [email protected]