Though there seems to be less finger pointing generated by same sex couples today as compared to years ago, there is still much stigma associated with such relationships.
No wonder then that many parents would be unhappy if their son or daughter became openly gay.
This week’s question – How would you relate to a daughter who informs you she is a lesbian and will be moving in with her lover, a woman who is 15 years older than she is? – was generated by such emotions.
The mother has been aware that her daughter was gay for years. She never discussed it with her 20-something-year-old child, but she knew from the friends she kept, how she dressed and the fact that she did not go out with men, as young women her age do, that she was quite different.
However, she became incensed when her younger daughter dropped the news. What angered the mother so much is that the woman her daughter is so infatuated with has a bad reputation for abusing young women. The mum therefore feared for her daughter’s safety.
So she asked her pastor to speak with her daughter. That did not work. The young woman did not like his assertion that she could learn to change with God’s help.
The mother eventually managed to get her daughter to a psychologist. There the young woman admitted feeling more alive and at ease in a same-sex relationship. She had no interest in men and it wasn’t that she was abused, duped or done anything negative by any man “to turn her mind” from them.
She was comfortable with who she was and wanted to be accepted for it.
The mother is uncomfortable with her daughter’s decision, and it has created a situation where they hardly speak.
The majority of those who responded to this question noted that as the daughter is an adult, it is her life and her decision. They also criticized her lifestyle saying it was ungodly.
Should she be criticized or be shunned?
I believe that as an adult she is free to make her own choice, but as her parent I should point out to her the consequences her actions will bring – the stigma and discrimination and so on.
But as her parent I would still love her and treat her with respect. I would do this for two reasons – she is my flesh and blood, and good or bad I will stay by her side. And secondly, one never manages to effectively influence people through criticism, threats and even beatings. People are usually swayed through sustained sincere communication because they know those speaking to them have their best interest at heart.
The following are edited versions of responses:
• “If my daughter’s an adult, neither her sexuality nor the age of her partner is any of my business. I would treat her and her partner the same way I treat any other children and their partners, provided the relationship is healthy.”
• “If she is an adult and is truly happy, I guess I would have no other choice as she is not committing a crime. The downside to her decision is that they’ll be no grandkids for me to spoil.”
• “Teach your children from early that God created man and woman. I would not support my child in that sort of life.”
• “I would not throw Bible quotes at her. I have issues with that.”
• “If you people get to know God, then you will see that it’s wrong to sleep with the same sex. I will not support anyone who sleeps with their sex. That is nasty in God’s eyes.”
• “Her mother feels this way because she is embarrassed by the whole matter.”
• “People make up all kinds of excuses to live how they want. I am not here to judge anyone because they have to answer to your God. I have a son and a daughter, many brothers and a sister. In all my life I never had to wonder about them being lesbian or homosexual as it’s not in our genes. Anyway, the only thing I would want to know from her if she was my daughter is if she can’t get a young person like herself instead of such an older person. If she was getting involved with a man I would ask the same question.”
• “The truth is you as her mother or anyone else cannot change what she is feeling – only God can do that. So my advice is to love her and leave it to the Almighty. Remember, for God sin is sin, and He is our only judge. He says in his word, ‘He who is without sin cast the first stone’.”