AS THE MAJORITY of children in Barbados are born out of wedlock, a significant number of women and men have children with people other than their spouses.
This can present a number of challenges, the best known of which is the insistence of some “child mothers” that their former partner must not only provide maintenance, but also “keep” the child at times – regardless of how inconvenient or impractical it may be.
And, of course, there are the cases of “baby mama drama” when the “child mother” harasses her former partner and/or his new spouse in order to break up that relationship so that she and her child can get the full attention of the man again.
Recently, though, I was quizzed about the opposite situation to that. That is, a man who is doing his best to undermine his former lover after she left him for another man.
Based on what was related to us, this man was unfaithful throughout his relationship with this woman. She eventually grew tired of his lies and moved on with her life and took their child with her. She is now settled and happy with another man, whom she has married.
However, her former boyfriend is using his right to have access to his child to try as much as possible to drive a wedge between the couple through unannounced visits to their home to see the child and calls to their house regularly enquiring about the child or seeking to talk with them over the telephone.
Hence this week’s question: A girlfriend/wife has a young child for another man. She takes the child to visit him sometimes, and at other times he comes to her house unannounced to see the child. Should the boyfriend/husband tolerate this? Or should he insist the man sticks to scheduled days where the child is taken to see him, or is collected by him?
When I was asked about the situation, I advised the husband that he needed to put his foot down. No man should be coming to his house unannounced like that. The law courts have established particular times when the child should visit him. Therefore, that’s when the child should go to him.
And when that happens, his wife should not remain there with them. She should drop him off and leave, or he should come and collect the child and leave.
The wife also needs to be told bluntly that she needs to adhere to this regime. It is not a matter of trying to keep the child and his father apart, but more a move to ensure that this man understands he cannot come and go as he likes.
I told the man he has to take this hard line because if you don’t show some people you are willing to defend your position, they will walk all over you and make your life miserable.
Here are edited versions of readers’ responses.
– “The father should come to scheduled times and if there is a problem why he cannot attend, a phone call can be made. There is no way I would allow my partner (woman) to take the child to him.”
– “The boyfriend/husband needs to get over himself! Thank God the child has a father that’s actively in its life! The only change should be that the father should call first when he’s planning to come for the child.
As for the boyfriend/husband, he knew what he was taking on when he went with the woman. So he should accept it or decide this isn’t for him. How dare he suggest the child should only see the father on certain prescribed days?”
– “Respect and acknowledgement are the key here. It’s okay to be territorial, but it should be on your own grounds and not someone else’s. He needs to ask if he can come to see the child.”
– “The mother should under no circumstances tolerate her ex coming around unannounced as he pleases. Let him know that it is not allowed and if he still shows up after your talk, then as harsh as this may seem, slam the door in his face a number of times and I am very sure he would get the message. No need to fear that he will stay away for good because if he really loves his child, he will be at your door at each appointed time.”
– “The child needs to know their father, [but] the mother needs to respect her partner. Most men do not respect a woman’s partner, and they try to have the woman again – and some women play on that too.”
– “This quadrangle is fraught with ugly confrontation. Turning up when he likes seems to be making a very macho statement, which is foolishly irresponsible, and shows a lack of respect and consideration for the relationship between his ex and her husband. This couple should insist that the man sticks to the more reasonable and non-intrusive schedule. I said “couple” because it should be a mutual request.”
– “The child’s father, when coming to the house, should call ahead at the very least, for even though the child is his, the house and household is not, so that is just being disrespectful to the current boyfriend/husband. I have no problem with the mother taking the child once the current boyfriend/husband is notified.”
