“Divorce . . . is usually far more painful than advertised. Everyone loses when a marriage turns sour, especially the children involved.” – Dr James Dobson
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE what individuals go through prior to, during and after a divorce, especially if they had enjoyed some pleasant times together as a married couple.
Certified divorce support expert Cathy Meyer defines divorce as “a legal action between married people to terminate their marriage relationship. It can be referred to as dissolution of marriage and is basically the legal action that ends the marriage before the death of either spouse”.
I once encountered a man who was doing everything he possibly could to leave his wife of many years. He met someone who he believed was more attractive than his wife, so he hastened to terminate his marriage in order to legally take his new-found love into his arms.
Months after walking up the aisle, I saw him and asked how things were going. In his response, his voice was not as excited as it was when he spoke to me prior to his leaving his former wife. His words were: “Sir, out of the frying pan and into the fire.”
Emotionally, he was going through some of the most challenging push-and-pull situations that made the current issues he was experiencing look like child’s play. He thought the grass was greener on the other side but it turned out that looks of the grass deceived him and the taste was sickeningly sour.
Much thought is given to the legal side of divorce but very little is heard of or discussed about emotional divorce. I want to first address emotional divorce as the first in a series of marital separations that have become very painful for all involved, including the children and wider society.
English consultant psychiatrist Raj Persaud defines emotional divorce as “a phase in a relationship where, although you appear far from physical separation or may not even be rowing, you are already emotionally disentangling from each other”.
By the time a marriage reaches the courts, the deep multiple emotional scars inflicted on both spouses are sometimes so septic that often a miracle of great proportions is required to bring about healing and restoration.
I have heard many expressions that indicated such emotional scarring: “If I don’t get out of this marriage I am going to go crazy”; “I am finished with this foolishness and before I do something stupid, I am calling it quits”; “My feelings for him/her are dead, I want out”; “I have reached the place where I am so stressed as a result of this marriage that some real strange thoughts have been running through my mind”; “I love my spouse but I am not in love with my spouse anymore”; “I am prepared to leave everything and start all over because I just can’t live with her/him anymore”.
Conflict
The above is just a small sample of remarks that flow out from the emotions of married people contemplating legal divorce. Over the years I have encountered several individuals who swam in the murky waters of emotional divorce.
It is from that experience that I will share three main reasons why emotional divorce is to a large extent the forerunner of divorce.
Anger, bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness are a few of the many negative emotions and reactions that naturally flow out of wounded partners who are carrying deep-seated emotional hurt. Such emotional pain may have already existed before the marriage.
This can sometimes fester, resurface and ultimately push the couple further and further apart and as a consequence, generate rich fertile soil for legal termination of the marriage.
Misunderstanding
When issues of a conflicting nature begin to surface, the possibility exists that those disputes can become protracted and lead to one partner attacking each other emotionally.
Early intervention is the key to preventna marriage fatality ifnthe couple agrees to come together and work throughnthe conflict. Such steps may prevent negative emotional build-up and emotional separation.
One of the main roots of misunderstanding is conflict. There are two types of conflict: destructive conflict, where a spouse deliberately and intentionally sets about to hurt the other; while the second one comes about through personality conflict.
Most conflict in marriage relationships is personality related. Each person is wired up differently and the natural result is conflict.
Seeking to understand your partner’s viewpoint can minimise and eliminate some normal personality conflict. This understanding takes time, patience and a commitment to resolve issues as they arise.
Failure to resolve personality conflict has given rise to scarred emotions, the result of which has led in many cases to emotional divorce. A man who had separated from his wife and was then seeking econciliation.
He said that if he had taken time to understand her, he would have never left. A remorseful woman whose husband had divorced her also said similar words to me. Resolve to better understand yourn spouse and prevent emotional divorce.
Communication
In order to effectively understand your spouse, verbal and non-verbal communication is necessary. Intimate communication with your spouse at its richest exposes your inner self and has a unique way of meticulously and mysteriously knitting the emotions, minds, wills, bodies and spirits together.
It therefore has the power to arrest emotional divorce because of its nature to be transparent, consistent and decent.
Men, your wife’s mind and emotions are very closely linked, so when she is speaking, her emotions are very active. Sometimes she may speak a little longer than you in order to make her point. It does not mean she is miserable.
Never tell her hurry up and make her point. Be patient with her and give her your undivided attention. Women, your husband is wired differently so listen carefully to him, especially when he is sharing his dreams and ambitions with you. Never discourage him.
If healthy communication continues to take place between the couple, many issues will be resolved before they develop into serious emotional challenges.
Emotional divorce can be avoided when married partners express positive emotions toward each other. Start today and make it a daily habit.
Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email [email protected].