HOW DO YOU deal with a situation where a family history can be a haunting thing?
I have a closely guarded secret which I cannot proudly and loudly proclaim. At times I am left with a rather uneasy feeling.
About 12 years ago I was courting a young lady whom I took home to meet my parents.
My father was ill at the time and I introduced her to my mother and my sister. She subsequently visited the house on a number of occasions but never met my father.
I simply said that he was recovering and stayed in his bedroom. She never bothered to go beyond, offering him her best wishes for a speedy recovery whenever she spoke to my mother. No one said anything other than thanks. My sister said she felt the young lady was a darling and would make a good wife.
We eventually got married and my brother, who lives overseas, came home and was my best man. My father attended the wedding and was always at my mother’s side. He never had much to say other than he was glad we got married and hoped everything would work for us.
My father had a serious mental problem which I came to learn had affected him for a very long period. My mother bore the burden of that knowledge with strength and dignity and would often remark that she could only hope and pray none of her three children would be afflicted by this illness. It was clearly a heredity issue.
My brother so feared the possibility that he never got any children. He did get married and opted to adopt a daughter. He subsequently adopted another girl, the daughter of a relative here in Barbados. His situation has worked out beautifully.
Sis never married
My sister decided not to get married. In fact, she simply avoided relationships as much as possible. I have known her to have had only two boyfriends. One of the guys was from overseas and attended university with her. He was extremely cruel to my sister after he found out that our father had a mental health problem. I think it devastated her.
I chose to be different. I got married and have children of my own. I have suffered no mental problems. But, I, like my siblings, am always fearful that a breakdown is always around the corner. I try to avoid stressful situations as much as possible.
The seriousness of my family’s history only became apparent four years ago when my father passed away. His brother, my uncle, who resides overseas, came home for the funeral. My uncle, quite a jovial guy, outlined the family history as he knew it. He said that mental problems had afflicted my great grandmother, her son, then my father, and another brother and a sister. Three others, two boys and a girl, including my uncle who told the story, escaped the ravages of a mental breakdown.
I, like my wife, was hearing it all for the first time. My uncle was neither ashamed nor reluctant to speak of the difficulties it had posed and the challenges in trying to cope. He said that while the family had had a number of bright sparks, the successes always had to be tempered because of the underlying mental illness.
When my wife and I sat to talk after my uncle had gone to bed, she could only exhale at first. There was so much news, or rather information, to process. The only thing which worried her was that I had not indicated the nature of my father’s illness when we first met. I told her I felt at that time it would have kept her at a distance. She said not really.
Her main concern was that nothing impacts the children. Both of our daughters are doing exceedingly well at school and our son, who is a youngster, has a real interest in technology. But they are all still young, with a long way to go on the academic or technical pathway.
My wife has been understanding and has indicated that she believes she has a distant relative who was severely affected by mental illness. She indicated that she loves me and for who I am, my behaviour and attitude. That my family has a severe mental history did not matter.
The entire situation has caused me to do a lot of reading and searching to find out about mental illness. It has also led me to stop stigmatising people stricken with illness or physical challenges. It has also taught me the importance of being upfront and honest with someone you love about any and all issues.
I spoke to my wife about writing this piece and she gave her full support and blessing by reading and checking it. Some things are difficult to cope with but must not be left undone or swept under the carpet. Mental illness is one such issue. Knowing upfront may eliminate a lot of problems at a later date.