Dear Christine,
I would like your opinion on a very personal matter that I dare not discuss with anyone. I need you to tell me if you think that I am being unreasonable with my boyfriend.
I keep telling him that he needs to spend more time with me and our three children. No one has time put down, and the children are growing up so fast that just now there are going to be teenagers and he will not be able to relate to them.
But all he says is that he needs to get as much money as he can now because work these days is not as plentiful or sure as before, so he has to grab the jobs when they come.
Christine, he is a mason and works from morning to night, seven days a week. Though he is a strong man, I am scared for his health because you can’t keep pushing your body like a machine. Eventually you will break down because even machines break down.
Am I being unreasonable? Why can’t he see that though I understand he is the breadwinner for this family, I would still prefer to live with less but have him around, than to have money and not have him around?
– Celeste
Dear Celeste,
It is clear to me that you care deeply about your boyfriend’s welfare and want the best for him. Your heart is definitely in the right place. As you rightly said, no one has time put down.
Though I do not think your request is unreasonable, there are a number of things that you need to recognize as well.
First, as he earns the money for the family he feels the weight of this responsibility and wants to ensure he can provide adequately for you and the children.
And though he knows what you’re saying is true about him pushing himself too hard, he will continue to be driven by the fact that it all depends on him to ensure the family does not suffer in any way.
Given his sense of responsibility, the way to deal with your boyfriend is not by insisting that he spends more time with you and your children. Instead, you should try, whenever he is at home, to let him know what he is missing.
In other words, when he gets home tired, create an atmosphere where he can relax, have a shower, a meal and a chat. Make him feel so comfortable that he would look forward to coming home and being with you and the children.
Celeste, what many women don’t realize is that though they may have good intentions, like you do, the manner in which they express themselves and continue to insist on what they want can sometimes have the opposite effect to what they are trying to achieve.
Think about it, no one likes to be constantly told the same thing, even though what is being told to them may be true.
When that happens, they tend to rationalize what they’re doing and resist any other ideas.
So while I think you are not being unreasonable, you need to temper your approach so your boyfriend would want to be with you as much as possible, while still earning as much as he can. I hope this helps.
– Christine
