December 14: Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised.
December 15: Today the postman brought your sweet gift. Two turtle doves! I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are truly adorable!
December 16: Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! But I really don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling.
December 17: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. They are plainly beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic, dear.
December 18: What a surprise! Five golden rings! One for every finger! You’re just impossible, darling, but, oh, how I love it! Frankly all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves and I am glad you thought of something different.
December 19: Six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I can’t sleep through all the racket. Please stop!
December 20: What’s with you and these birds? Seven swans a-swimming! What kind of joke is this? There’s bird doodoo everywhere!
The little tykes never shut up, I can’t sleep anymore, and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny, you weirdo.
December 21: OK. The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? If that’s not bad enough, they had to bring their own cows! There is dung all over the lawn, and I can’t move in my own house! Just lay off me or you’ll be sorry!
December 22: Hey! What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing! Lord, do they play! They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbours are getting a petition against me. You’ll get yours.
December 23: Words fail me! Now there’s ten ladies dancing! But they’re not ladies! These broads are having a ball with the pipers! Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhoea!
My living room is full of it and the building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause for having all these animals. I’m calling the police on you, creep!
December 24: Listen! What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? At least the birds are quiet. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you, rotten swine! I hate you.
Agnes
Have a Merry Christmas.
