I WANT TO RAISE A MATTER that people tend not to talk about. I refer to the death of a loved one and the impact it can have on the partner and loved ones left behind.
I went through that grief three years ago and to this day not an hour passes that I don’t think about him in some small way.
You see, when you and somebody were really close, you just don’t get over them just like that.
I don’t cry anymore or go into depression where I wouldn’t eat, bathe or do anything else but stay in bed sleeping and getting weak.
But there’s an emptiness I feel in my life without him being around. It is as if a part of me has gone.
In the beginning, the first thing that hits you is the shock of the death.
In my case, it was really sudden as he was fine as usual.
Then from one day just coughing and complaining about not feeling well he went, to four days in hospital and a couple of days later death, due to complications from an infection he contracted.
So before I could get used to his being sick and being in hospital, he was dead.
That hit me for six one time. To tell the truth, I was in a total daze. It was as if I was numb.
I was just there in body but my head was “not there at all”.
I was so out of it that I couldn’t even help his brothers plan the funeral or do anything because I couldn’t even think.
I was so lost that some people were saying that I seemed to be going mad as all I did was stay in bed and cry.
I hardly ate or drank anything during that time and I got really sick too.
After that and the funeral, you have to deal with the clothes left behind, the bills still to be paid and places like the credit union, bank and insurance.
All I would say about those places with which you have to transact business after the death of a loved one (dealing with documents and so on) is that the people who are in those offices should be more sensitive to bereaved customers.
They really need to be more respectful.
As for the clothes, that is pure hell. You have to decide what to do with his favourite shirts, pants, shoes, suits.
It is not easy just giving them to one of his friends because whenever you see them on the person they will make you remember your man.
The painful thing is sitting down and sorting through each piece and deciding who to give what to and which to burn.
Eventually I burnt all of the underwear, but gave the clothes to two of his brothers and a friend of his.
He would have liked that as he was the type who shared.
Two things that bothered me most about his passing were the reaction of his family and the disgusting attitude of two of his so-called friends.
I suspect what I went through with them is what usually happens as I have heard people talk about those sorts of things before.
I’m speaking about how some close family members try to take over the land and house and move you out just because you and your man were not married when he died.
Imagine, his sister, whom he did not particularly like because of her greediness, tried to get his brothers to join her to move me and the children off the land.
My man had taken over the spot from their father, so the sister felt she could try something to get us off the spot, then buy it as tenantry land. She was wicked!
Just as nasty were my man’s two friends who used to visit him and sit and talk.
They began coming around after the funeral, checking if I needed anything done around the place or money to help out.
Of course, silly me took this as their meaning well for their friend’s wife.
I had no idea that they were so generous because they wanted to be my men.
From what I could tell, one did not know what the other was getting up to or saying. But what became clear is that both were looking to make me their woman.
When I did realize what each was really up to, I put a stop to that one time.
I did not encourage it. Far from that, I asked both to give me space.
The next thing I heard was that I was behaving strange and didn’t want his friends coming around anymore.
Some even said that his death gave me something I never expected – a house with a little land – and I was playing great.
As I said at the beginning, death and the things I highlighted are matters that people didn’t talk about.
But I think they should because if they did it would prepare them for dealing with losing their loved one and the nastiness that may follow from relatives and friends.