Dear Christine,
I AM REALLY SEEKING to hear your say on a pressing matter which I am sure your readers will want to comment on.
I have been happily married for 46 years. Six years ago my wife developed Alzheimer’s disease and has been in a home for the past year.
Even though she does not recognize me or our children, I have gone to visit her every day, until six months ago when I reduced it to twice a week because she had no idea who I was, which I found very depressing. The nursing staff and my children noticed my depression and encouraged me to “break away”.
My children have encouraged me to seek female companionship. For the last four months I have been romantically involved with a 62-year-old neighbour whose husband died nine years ago. I am 67 years old. My children, siblings and even some of friends approve of our relationship and say they have noticed a positive change in me.
Christine, my guilty feelings have increased even though I haven’t changed my visiting routine to the nursing home. I would greatly appreciate your comments on my situation. – T.C.
Dear T.C.,
I’m saddened by your loss.
I also believe the reason you have guilt feelings is because your wife is still very much alive even though she has become another person, so to speak. While you cannot enjoy any intimacy with her, you are still legally married – for better or for worse.
Fate therefore seemingly has you between a rock and a hard place, since you are married to an absentee wife. At the end of the day your conscience will have to be your guide. If you have guilt feelings, you must do what you know to be morally right. Your children, siblings and friends are not in your shoes. They are not the ones living with a guilty conscience.
It may also be in your best interest to seek the professional advice of a psychologist, grief counsellor or a member of the clergy regarding this situation and to contact the Barbados Alzheimer’s Association at Bethesda, Black Rock, St Michael, for support. – CHRISTINE
