“If ah rack-a-tack, monkey ruk-a-tuk too, everything ah do, the monkey do too” – Flatbush
HI THERE! It is I, Big Willie of the Morgan Lewis Monkey Tribe. This week Lowdown Hoad has reluctantly let me take over his column to answer a letter by one Frank Morris entitled “Monkey cull a must”.
Hoadie’s bedroom is about 50 yards from my tree so he gets to hear the action at night. I don’t hear any from his side. Poor fellow.
First off, Hoad had no hand in this. And disassociates himself completely. The mastermind behind the daring escape from Alcatraz prison in 1962 was a man named Frank Morris. He has never been recaptured. Whether he’s now a small farmer in Barbados and wrote that letter, Hoad doesn’t know. But he ain’t messing with no mastermind. And sends his best regards to Mr Morris.
Okay, let’s get some perspective. Bajan humans and Bajan monkeys are closely related primates. But we don’t accept that evolution junk. Our position is summed up in the old poem Darwin’s Lie: Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree, discussing things as they’re said to be. Said one to the others, “Now listen, you two, there’s a certain rumour that can’t be true, that man descended from our noble race, why the very idea – it’s a disgrace!
“No monkey has ever deserted his wife, starved her babies, and ruined her life. And you’ve never known a mother monk, to leave her babies with others to bunk. Or pass them on from one to the other, till they scarcely know who is their mother.
“And another thing you’ll never see, a monk build a fence ‘round a coconut tree; and let the coconuts go to waste, forbidding all other monks to taste. Why, if I put a fence around this tree, starvation would force you to steal from me.
“Here’s another thing a monkey won’t do – go out at night and get in a stew; or use a gun or club or knife, to take some other monkey’s life. Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss, but brother, he didn’t descend from us.”
Tell the truth, Frank. When you look at monkeys – fit, healthy, at one with nature. And compare man – bloated, sick, fighting, killing, complaining, polluting, artificial lifestyle – who is better suited to run this planet? Besides, if we were here first, as that union lady will tell you, it’s last in, first out. Cull mankind.
You say we were “introduced” to Barbados. Introduced, Frank? We are one race, from the same place, that make the same trip, on the same ship. Like the slaves, we were brought here and deserve the same reparations.
And have we contributed nothing? One pair of our kidneys produces a million polio vaccines. We Bajan monkeys gave our lives to eradicate human polio worldwide. Almost singlehandedly. Any thanks from humans? Even a little plaque?
1 000 Bajan monkeys shipped worldwide annually at US$1 500 per head. That’s $3 million a year in foreign exchange. Plus money earned for medical research. Besides, our favourite food is not bananas. Give us grasshoppers and bird eggs any day. We keep those numbers down.
Every day people are out shooting monkeys. They get $25 for a piece of the tail. Not as much as Muscle Katt who charges $60, but good money nevertheless. Yutes stone our mothers out of trees for dogs to kill; then sell our babies as pets. Humans eat us here and abroad.
You say we steal, Frank. Yes, we do. But only in daylight; and you can shoot us. Compare politicians stealing billions, rampant crop thieves, intruders cutting you up in your homes and in front of tourists, are we that bad?
You say cull us, euthanise us. Is it wise to cull a natural food source? Is there no other way? What about planting fruit trees on the endless unused land between Morgan Lewis and Foster’s Funland, by Greenwich, at Vaucluse, up St John? Give us back our traditional living space?
Hoad has breadfruit, guava, cherries, plums, sweet tamarinds, sea grapes. He gets not one fruit. A true neighbour.
So thanks again to him for letting me say my piece. He should be back next week unless the Nation asks me to take over. He ain’t saying much these days anyhow…
Big Willie.
Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator. Email porkhoad@gmail.com
