“It is far easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” – Barbara Jackson
MY PRIMARY FOCUS last week was encouraging fathers to move from fatherhood to “dadhood”.
In my discourse I challenged them to realise that “dad” is an intimate expression that captures the kind of bond with children that flows out from more than biological ownership. I stressed that the growing dad connection is generated from a very high level of commitment that begins before birth and lovingly lasts for a lifetime.
Today I shall look at fathers and highlight certain realities which I hope will sensitise them to the importance of connecting with their sons from an early age, and hopefully move from being just a biological father to a committed dad. In subsequent articles I shall offer some practical steps that may be useful to achieve that goal.
I continue to see an evolving number of fathers growing into “dadhood” and I commend them highly, but unfortunately there are other fathers who have not been rising to the significant role of dads.
The obvious results are being reflected in the myriad of challenges within the society. Here are some locally, regionally and international realities that should shed some light on the effect of the “dadless” issue with which we are faced.
Societal Realities
Writing in the Jamaican Gleaner, May 26, 2013, communication specialist and author, Martin Henry wrote: “Fatherlessness is an albatross around the neck of this nation, weighing us down and choking development. We have elevated the single mother to near national hero … but this sentimental elevation does not change the harsh facts of the negative impact of father absence.” Henry added, “Over 80 per cent of Jamaican children are born out of wedlock.
The majority of these used to not even have their father’s name on their birth certificate, the most basic association with a father.”
Last June in The Bahamas, Minister of National Security Dr Bernard Nottage said: “One of the major problems associated with crime is the large number of young men who do not have positive father figures or role models in their lives.
The physical, emotional and intellectual impairment that the neglect of fathers (fatherlessness) inflicts on young people can mean a lifetime of suffering and emotional scarring and a legacy of poverty and crime for the next generation.”
I have not found any specific research on the impact on fatherlessness in Barbados society. It would appear that successive governments, social agencies, or the Men’s Educational Support Association may not have not done such research. The absence of such should not suggest the country may not be suffering from a deficit of dads.
The myriad of social problems that surface from time to time with boys and young males are more than a casual signal to do some authentic research.
The country for example having over 900 men in prison alone should be a cause for the society to examine closely the possible impact “dadlessness” may be having on our young males.
I laud the Bahamian government for the launch of the mentorship programme entitled Give Every Child A Father: Save Our Sons and aimed at “investing in those at-risk young persons who are in danger of falling into lives of crime”.
There are other countries and NGO that have also taken steps to confront and deal with the ‘dadhood’ issue, but sometimes one wonders if such initiatives carry the aggression that is necessary to place a serious dent in the fatherless challenge facing our societies.
Ultimately, the budding father must purpose in his mind to break the cycle of fatherlessness, and with positive assistance he should pursue “dadhood”.
Legal realities
Some men throughout the Caribbean have been lamenting that they have not been fairly treated by the court system when it comes to full or shared custody of their children. They say that the judiciary appears to favour the mother when it comes to full or partial custody of the children, which may include boys.
Rhondall Feeles, head of Single Fathers Association in Trinidad and Tobago (SFATT), in speaking to the Trinidad Guardian in June this year said: “Children, especially boys, need to develop stronger bonds and meaningful relationships with their fathers, which was lacking in the country and causing young men to go down the wrong path.”
Feeles was appealing to the Judiciary to give fathers, especially non-custodial fathers, more time to spend with their children, than the usual monthly weekends. Having advocated for change since 2011, Feeles finally got the courts’ attention when the 1 80- membership Single Fathers Association was formed.
I know of genuine dads who use their scarce resources to fight the legal system in order to gain custody of their sons. Except in extenuating circumstances, every father should be given the opportunity to develop his ‘dadhood’ potential with his sons and the court system should assist in facilitating that passion.
Emotional realities
The late Frank Pittman, noted psychiatrist and author, once said: “All those tough guys who want to scare the world into seeing them as men and who fill up the jails; all those men who don’t know how to be a man with a woman and who fill up the divorce courts; all those corporate raiders who want more in hopes that more will make them feel better; and all those masculopathic philanderers, contenders, and controllers – all of them are suffering from father hunger.”
Parenting and behavioural specialist and author of the book Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys, Noël Janis-Norton emphasised that “without a strong father-figure, boys may struggle to learn how to express their emotions constructively, how to handle their physical strength and learn to respect others – and themselves.”
Correcting the emotional and psychological challenges with which boys are faced will necessitate a militant, multifaceted approach that involves a shift in societies’ cultural mindset toward “dadhood”. Every concerned social and related agency must also get involved; but in the final analysis, a dogged decision and assertive action on the part of the potential dad becomes the key to open the delightful door to “dadhood”.
Boys need Dads.
Next week I shall explore that subject.
• Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant. Email:griffitharticles @gmail.com