Dear Christine,
PLEASE HELP ME to raise an issue which will always continue to exist, perhaps because of the sinful nature of mankind.
You have printed many letters from the “other woman”, who is always hurt because her married lover won’t leave his wife for her. Well, here’s one from the married lover.
I am a male who is almost 50 and have been experiencing one a big midlife crisis. My wife has wanted a divorce for about a year now, and somehow I keep convincing her to hang in there with me.
I got involved with my younger secretary who knew just what she wanted. It was me. She left her husband – for me; something I never asked her to do. In fact, I never asked her to or promised her anything. I tried to talk her out of it, but she was adamant that she no longer loved him and was going to leave him whether or not our affair had actually taken place.
I have broken off our affair, but she has not taken it sitting down. She even played dirty by calling my wife and sending her ugly notes.
Christine, I have a devoted wife who still loves me. I’d have to be an idiot to leave her for a younger secretary whom I don’t really know. My secretary wouldn’t have liked the real me who my wife has put up with for 27 years.
My wife did everything I wanted all these years. I insisted she stayed home with the children, and then I became unhappy with her when all along it was me I was really unhappy with. I can only pray each day that she truly forgives me for having such an “open affair”.
People in the office and those on the board knew about the affair. I have not fired my secretary, because she has to survive financially. However, I now have a personal assistant – someone who is much older and who now handles all my “personal business affairs,” such as travel arrangements, meetings and so on. This is working for the good of all.
I have asked my secretary to forgive me, just as I have asked my wife to forgive me. I will not sit from where I am and put the blame totally on her. We both did what was wrong.
Christine, we married men don’t leave our wives – we’re not crazy; we just act that way sometimes! I know this is a long letter, but please print it anyway because it needs to be said.
– F.Y.
Dear F.Y,
Thanks for sharing and for your honesty. There are numerous reasons why extramarital relationships take place, but when those involved can admit their guilt and not attempt to blame the other party, that’s really the beginning of the healing process.
Almost every woman who starts an affair with a married man has the notion in her head that she has an edge over the wife and that the man will eventually leave the wife for her. She fails to see all the complexities, legalities, family ties and so on which would have to be taken into consideration. In many cases, it is the wife who comes out the winner.
Mind you, there are wives who cheat and do so big time. Those who do usually put their reputations up to public scrutiny and are often disrespected by the men with whom they have had affairs. Many men still hold the view that if a woman will cheat on her husband, she will cheat on them as well.
I hope your marriage heals completely and that your wife sees it in her heart to honestly forgiveyou. This may only occur with proper counselling and the passing of time.
– CHRISTINE
